Morning Ramblings

Carson woke up in what I 'thought' was the middle of the night. I was so dazed and exhausted that I just wanted his crying to stop and his request for a drink to be fulfilled. I scooped him up and put him in my bed and grabbed the empty sippy cup off of my nightstand and filled it with water in my bathroom. You see, in the one-parent infant/toddler exhaustion, there have been a few things I've learned to attempt to maximize my sleep. Sippy cup preparedness is one of them. I guess I've been conditioned by my kids. Oh yeah. It was only midnight when this whole adding of a 2 year old to my bed business happened.

As it has been one of the worst nights' sleep in a while, I pondered on this. Carson likes to cuddle. Like, no amount of scooting the kid over to the other side of the bed keeps him there. He MUST touch me somehow. I think it's because I'm warm and because he refuses to wear pjs. Every night I put him in pajamas and every night I come in after he's fallen asleep and he's taken them off. Crazy kid.

I don't sleep well with kids in my bed. Like, AT ALL.

And it got me thinking. Could I be married again and have someone sleep in my bed? I'm not so sure.

Not that that matters exactly right now. Just been thinking. I'm definitely at the point where I need to decide. Am I going to be stubborn and 'wait' for Adam. DO this whole alone-single-mom stuff alone, and be OK with it?

I realize that I'm not getting any younger. The kids are only getting older. Any change to where we live needs to happen soon if it's going to happen. Like, after this school year soon.

I've looked at options. Do I move near my parents in Nashville since I know this is likely their final move around the country. Do I stay. Do I go to Utah. Do I find some place new to start over fresh.

Note, there aren't question marks after any of those questions. I feel like they're all statements in my head that I'm weighing carefully. I feel like none of those decisions makes complete sense nor is one decision better than the other.

I like my job, but I am well aware that this won't be a permanent "forever" job, due to some of its limitations.

I still like the idea of going back to school. Maybe once all the boys are in school.

In the meantime, I know that the boys need more space. To live in a climate where they can be outside more than only a couple months out of the year. They are BOYS. They need the chance to be boys.

I suppose that line of thinking makes me think, yet again, that I do need to remarry.

Argh. It's amazing how certain thoughts are still circular, even after 27 months. I guess I was mistaken in thinking that if I started working, I would seem to have life figured out. Guess not!

I love my job. It is a good fit right now. Especially the hours. Being done at 3pm and not having to wake up at the crack of dawn is perfect for my sleep regimen.

I have a thankful heart. For my friends who watch my boys and make this work thing 'work' for our family. For those who still stand by us. For those who understand that while much healing has taken place, the scars of what we have been through and my heart that is still broken for what we have lost....who still have understanding that we aren't 'over it.' We'll never be.

As usual. I'm just trying to cope, day by day. And many times, simply minute by minute.