Acceptance-- The Why Not

It hit me tonight. I finally can put a finger on why I feel unsettled right now. It isn't because my would-be 13th wedding anniversary is next Monday, not because Christmas is around the corner, not because my dreaded 33rd birthday is around the corner (the age that I have Adam frozen in time in my mind that will be MY age in a matter of weeks). It isn't because Spencer is really struggling, which in turn means I am too.

It is all the things that I'm not willing to accept. I started making a mental list of my unacceptables tonight.

I am not willing to accept that I may not ever be pregnant again.
I am not willing to accept that I may never make love again.
I am not willing to accept that I may sleep alone for the rest of my life.
I am not willing to accept that my family provider is now me.
I am not willing to accept that this life I live is IT.
I am not willing to accept that I will parent my children alone for the rest of my life.
I am not willing to accept that I am the sole responsible person for three BOYS.
I am not willing to accept that this is IT.

That is the source of my discomfort. My angst. My anger. My frustration. My madness. My yelling. My sadness.

It is a paradox. A part of me doesn't know if I am really supposed to accept those things because maybe this ISN'T all to my life. But the panicky untrusting side of me says what it if it IS? And if it IS, then I reject all of it. All. I cannot accept it. I am starting to believe I never will.

As a couple men from church came over the other night to help me with some manly stuff around my house, I knew that they probably saw things in and around my house that exhibited this angst. Will I just let Adam die already? No. I guess I don't know how to. I can't completely shut out my past and I suppose I don't know if I'm supposed to or if I HAVE TO. I mean, maybe to some extent I do? There is no right or wrong answer to any of this. That is the frustration.

Some days I wish there was a real "right" answer--that way I would know what to do or not to do.

On my ring: I love diamonds. Pure and simple. My ring doesn't symbolize marriage. In truth, the only ring that symbolizes my marriage I haven't worn for 10 years...or more. That ring doesn't even fit my pinkie finger. I wore a different ring on my "wedding ring finger" even before I married Adam, from the time I turned 16. And interestingly enough, for as much as Adam was completely oblivious, he asked me about that ring on our first date and why I wore it on my ring finger. Hmm. So I still haven't decided on my diamond wedding rings...I don't know what the "real" right answer for me is. I don't really know if anyone notices or cares--or if they should...or if I should. But on the days that I feel like I need it or simply want it, I wear it.

On owning widowhood: I guess I have accepted that term. I've accepted what it is and why I'm here. Still, I will remain Mrs. Smith. It has been an interesting thing to establish in my work environment. For the first time in my entire life, Miss, Ms. or Mrs. actually matters. And so I claim etiquette rules and will be Mrs. for the rest of my life--remarried or not.

On being a working-outside-the-home-mom: I do NOT believe women can "have it all." I believe those who think otherwise are fooling themselves. That whole blurb about "quality time" versus "quantity of time." It is impossible to have quality without quantity. So I would argue that any woman who works full time had better trust those who care for her children--because they are raising her children for a good portion of the day--and of her child's life. These people may be teachers. Or they may be childcare providers. But the reality is, THEY are raising her children. This is one of the realities of working women. I don't really accept this reality--because it makes me mad that I have to divide myself. I don't feel like a complete mother for this reason.

On sex: I struggle with this 'acceptance' for lots of reasons. I will say that stemming from my religious beliefs, this topic is not only taboo, but it is blurred in my mind. Let me rephrase. There are very clear lines in the belief system of my church regarding sexual relations--that are absolutely NOT blurred. Sexual relations are appropriate and sacred and only to be between a legally and lawfully man and a woman. Period. That said, this leaves me in a strange place. I know exactly what I am missing. And the eternal nature of my belief system leaves me a bit conflicted--partially due to the judgements of others, and partially due to my own mental conflict on the subject. Does this state that I am in--a very legally UNmarried woman--put me back at square one, not to think about sex or not to think about what was right and pure and sacred between me and my deceased spouse? Am I really supposed to accept that it is all dead and gone? How do I come to terms with my nature as a woman--by nature, a sexual being? I'm not really sure. I still feel very much conflicted on this. Is it wrong for me to want what I had--or more specifically, to hope that I have such a relationship again? I hope not. But I don't know.

On parenting: I simply do not joy in parenthood the way I once did. I relished the funny things that my kids said or did--because I had someone else by my side enjoying them too. I don't know how to accept single parenting. I do not enjoy my children in the same way now. Period. This makes me sad.

So the thing about acceptance is, am I supposed to "just do it" and "let it go" just BECAUSE I'm "supposed to?" Is it really not about liking my current state and just sort of giving up and waving a white flag to it all? That seems more like apathy than active acceptance. But I most assuredly do not accept this.

As I have listened to other widowed people who talk about how they've "accepted" their current state, I often think to myself (sometimes in jealousy, and sometimes just in disbelief), have they really accepted all the stuff that I drag my feet on? Many of those who seem to have "accepted" these things are in other relationships and so a part of me wonders if they didn't really HAVE TO accept these things. Or sometimes it is an age thing--maybe due to my age and not feeling complete in certain aspects of life, that is what holds me back?

I don't know how to get through these issues. They weigh on my mind. They make me feel guilty, as though I'm doing something wrong and that there's a reason I can't accept all of this. Yet I know that true guilt can only come due to sin or offense to God. I don't feel that way in regards to these issues, that I feel guilt for those reasons. So it is simply Satan causing my angst? I'm not completely sure, but that is the logical explanation.

There is no easy answer. There's not really even a tough answer to these issues. The answer is that there is NO answer. It is that I have to just wade through this until I can be at peace I guess. And I know where peace comes from. I just don't know that I trust that I will ever get an answer and experience complete peace.

Or maybe there is more. And that more will help heal my heart.

Or not.

Ok. I'm done for tonight. It feels good to get this out of my head and on paper, er, a computer screen.

Sometimes a week away to a psych ward doesn't sound half bad. No dishes. No laundry. No cooking. No working. No breaking up kid fights. A nap. No single parenting for a week. Hmmm. That would be a good way to continue to avoid acceptance!