Enough

These thoughts have been stewing for a while.

What exactly is "enough?"

I say the phrase a lot, "I've had ENOUGH." Every time I say it, I TOTALLY mean it.

There's this story that my family tells. You know, it's one of those catch phrases that families sometimes have? This one is rooted in a family night lesson that my mom taught us when we were kids. There was this nice story of this man who was making a cake. He hurried through baking it and decided not to put eggs and some of the other ingredients in, just because he wanted it to be finished quickly. Of course, his finished cake turned out nasty. Inedible. Gross. Half-baked. This is why we use the term "half-baked" in my family. "Quit doing things half-baked." My mom used this on us kids, and I use it on my kids.

So I get that we can't go through life half-baked or doing things halfway.

But what exactly is ENOUGH.

What is enough scripture study? What is enough patience? What is enough learning? What is enough space for my children? What is enough stress? What is enough service? What is enough happiness? What is enough growth? I really don't know.

There is a constant tug of war in our lives of using our time on the best activities, instead of the good or better. What I haven't figured out is what exactly is the best. The best things change constantly as our family evolves.

I have learned that life really is about the little things--whatever those little things are. Each of our lives need different little things, with the major anchors the same.

Under that microscope of widowhood, I often feel guilty. I feel guilty because there are those out there who "deserve" more or "better" out of life--more than what I have. I feel guilty for the blessings I have and I feel this sense that I can't possibly express my gratitude fully. I don't know if I will ever get over this. I beat myself up about it for no real reason. It's an illogical guilt, but guilt nonetheless.

That said, I have learned that for my sanity and that of my children, one of the "little things" we need is enough living space--so we can all breathe a bit easier. I KNOW this. And I'm working on a solution for that problem.

I guess it is the other little things that I'm trying to figure out. What is "enough" for me?

When it gets right down to it, I realize that for me to feel like a human--a living breathing productive human--I need to be a mother AND a wife. Need. Yep. I don't care what judgement I get for sounding dependent on a man. I need it. I need to love someone and I need love in return. I need both. When the rest of the worries and trials of the day are over, I need to be in the arms of a man. I can't be this unisex robot shell of a person forever. It is just that simple. Every night when the kids finally go to bed, it isn't a state of depression I feel. It is this feeling that something is missing. It goes beyond missing Adam's presence. It is the presence of a companion. I've had enough of life without one. It stinks. I feel guilty for wishing that I didn't already know what exactly I'm missing, because then I wouldn't long for what this companionship means.

It is silly, really. I know what I have to do to get there. I just don't know how to split my time so there's enough of me to make time for that to happen. It will require a lot of work. More work than I have ever devoted, I'm positive.

I hear stories of widows who know right away that they need to actively seek out a husband--and a father for their children--and go on a quest to find such a man. I haven't felt the push to do that previously, but I'm starting to see that making more sense. Which is weird, given my realization that I'm not quite done with Omaha. I feel the need to be here still, that I have more work to do here.

I think Heavenly Father is starting to understand that I really am pulled as many ways as one can possibly be pulled. While nothing will ever feel "enough," I know that somehow He knows my heart. I was pondering tonight on the scripture where Christ says, "Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect." We are commanded to be perfect, but like all commandments that we are given, we are given a way--the Savior--by which we may become perfect. In essence, we are given that "enough."

I want to have the faith that my honest "enough" will BE enough. I need to FEEL it.

Maybe I want too much. Maybe it is unreasonable. I waver back and forth on whether it is actually possible to do all the things that I feel are necessary in my life and the lives of the boys. We only have 24 hours in a day, and 1/3 of that time is spent at work and 1/3 of that time is spent sleeping. Or in unproductive sleep, as my case may be.

I still dream of Adam. A lot. Weird real-life dreams. They're partially comforting and partially disturbing. Equally disturbing are the people that recur in my dreams. I can honestly say that I've had enough of that. I am ready for peaceful dreams. Hopeful insight. Perspective.

Somehow I think if I can honestly say I'm not doing things half-baked, then my enough will be ok. I just have to believe.

On the topic of Believing. This was my favorite conference talk. I have watched it several times. So much to learn. So much that my heart needs to absorb.