Blubber

I'm a blubbery mess. I sent the boys off to school. I rounded the bend in the road and looked at the spot where Adam's life was taken on the first day of school two years ago. Ugh. I did it. I survived this morning. Whew.

It is times like this that I am grateful to be here. That probably sounds strange. When we got to school and I helped the boys line up outside with their teachers, one of Justin's early childhood special ed home-based teachers saw me and asked how I was doing. I burst into tears and she gave me a big big. She did this last year too (I burst into tears last year too). Having known our family for the past 9 years (since Justin was 1 1/2), she has been around for a lot. Since she doesn't have a class full of kids to tame on the first day of school, she usually hangs out by the preschool classes on the first day of school so we chatted a bit.

The boys' school really is wonderful. It is yet another reason we stay put here. On the first day of school, all the teachers wear their school t-shirts, and the school turns the morning into a party. Long red carpets are rolled out at the entrance of the school, Cool and the Gang's "Celebration" plays on a stereo, and the kids and teachers cheer and clap as the kids go, class by class, into the school. It really is a sight to see. Nearly all the kids are super happy to be there, with the exception of the few kindergarden and preschool kids who are adapting to a new routine. It is on these days that I am humbled to know so many teachers at this school, who have been with us through thick and thin and are sensitive to this day for our family. For many of them who were stuck in traffic or had to drive near the crash site that day, this day was traumatic for them too.

It is quiet at our house this morning. I must say, while it IS strange, it is a good transition. I am grateful for this time with Carson, and to be a house mom. It is in moments like this that I wish I could sit here and cuddle up with Carson forever. Being a stay at home home really is a luxury, one I completely took for granted. I know that this isn't for everyone, but there is a peace for me in my heart when I can be home like this. I feel like I can be organized and that I can tackle the world. Mostly because there is time to get things done at home without all three kids dismantling everything simultaneously. The hum of the washer, dryer, and dishwasher are going. I have time to exercise and process all the workings of our home. Ahh. I do know how grateful I am to be allowed this time. I have needed it.