Shoes, 'Tude, and Mercy

My brain has been a few different places the past few days. Excited to leave town soon and get a mini break. Finally lost in a book that I should've read two years ago and just haven't been able to finish it because I was reading it when Adam died. Still trying to finish up preparing apples for freezing that we picked two weeks ago.

Tonight at dinner, 2 out of 3 boys started complaining about their very worn shoes. Little boys seem to wear out shoes SO FAST. And I let them. Til they are good and worn! So tonight we took a little jaunt to Target. Shopping (with all 3) has turned into an un-fun necessity of life. Shoe shopping has to top that list though. As Spencer whined about styles of shoes that I had him try on and Justin refused to adequately tie the shoes that he was trying on, I found myself muttering, "How did I GET HERE?" I think I utter that a lot these days actually. As we were checking out I was giving my usual pep talk to the boys ("No, I'm not buying you chocolate tonight. No, we don't need anything from the dollar aisle. No. No. NO. I felt like the mom from the "No David" books!). Then the cashier (who I recognized as a mom of someone I know, but she didn't know that I know who she was), says to me (jokingly) "Don't you wish you had another one?" Even though I was exasperated with the boys (Ha, what else is new these days!), the only response that I could think to utter was, "Well, THAT isn't an option right now." In the back of my mind, I wondered if she knew who I was or what I meant by that. But I knew she must not have. I looked pretty awfully frumpy--unrecognizable probably. Not appropriate for a Target shopping trip. But I guess I sort of don't care these days. Don't need to impress myself or anyone else it seems? Yes. Bad attitude.

I realize that my attitude is in the toilet. I think I am so very filled with guilt with how un-fun motherhood seems right now that it makes me wonder how I would feel if Adam were around to bear some of this burden that I feel. Is it just the stage of my kids? Or am I just totally single-mom'd exhausted? There is definitely a marked difference psychologically, knowing that one will get a break for a few minutes at certain moments of the day. I've determined that has been one of the hardest things about single parenting. Trying to be the good cop and the bad cop. Feeling that pull to be everything to everyone. And feeling like a failure a good portion of the time. Snapping at people who don't deserve to be snapped at (ok, does anyone *deserve* it?...). Constantly worrying that someone will take what I said the wrong way and get offended and I worry about potentially burning bridges. Argh.

I've started applying for jobs. Only jobs that seem ultra ideal for me. I know that they're far fetched...probably out of reach. But I think it's a step anyway. It's giving me practice, if anything. It is strange. Yet I can see myself working now. It's starting to come into focus. I still don't really know completely how it'll work, but my mind is wrapping around the idea a bit better.

There is a friend that I used to work with who has my "wouldda" life. Right down to her doctor husband doing a fellowship in Houston. It is interesting to take a peek into her life. It is beautiful. And I'm realizing that even though mine isn't picture-perfect-ideal (what I thought it would be), it is up to me to change my attitude and make my life beautiful in its own way. No, we won't have the luxuries that life has to offer some and my life won't be "that"--like I always thought it would be. But "that" doesn't matter. I know I am blessed. Blessed that my children are alive to rally around me and to keep me busy. Blessed to have good people around me that hopefully will continue to stick by me through thick and thin. Blessed to know that God is there and that His Son provides mercy--even to ME.

I have been studying mercy the past couple weeks. I've had some very important moments in these couple weeks where the scriptures have taught me important things about mercy. I knew it was the right timing for me to learn this because then Justin came home from church and said his primary lesson was on the same thing and his take away message--what HE paid attention to--was the scripture on mercy. Out of everything in the Sermon on the Mount, that's what he heard.

As I attended the temple the other week, I had some time to sit and read the scriptures. I flipped open to 3 Nephi chapter 12, it was where someone had placed the bookmark. In this, the Savior is teaching the people in the Americas about the Sermon on the Mount. I learned a lot of different nuggets of knowledge, but the scripture in verse 7 just stuck out that night and has kept me thinking. "And blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy." I got to thinking about how the Savior promises these blessings and how much do I trust that He will do what He says? And of course, am I doing what I'm supposed to to fulfill my end? Am I being merciful and forgiving to others so that I can obtain the much needed mercy from my sins and shortcomings from the Lord. And further, do I trust that I can and will be comforted, as one who mourns. That struck a chord with me. I think as a covenant people, we are supposed to trust that if we are keeping our covenants that the Lord will hold up His end. I think I haven't always translated that into other promises that we are given in the scriptures. That He WILL provide.

So I will keep on trekking. There's more applesauce cooking tonight. Hopefully the last batch!