Applesauce is Cooking.

Tonight I'm sort of amused with my multitasking. Listening to Fox News in the background, waiting for applesauce to be done (round 3 with apple cooking/preparing), doing CEUs for my RN license renewal, and listening to night 2 of the boys sleeping in the same room. I figured, things couldn't possibly be getting any worse with their sleep, so why not stick 'em all in the same room together so I can attempt to organize one of their bedrooms? We shall see if that was a good idea. I'm not too terribly convinced. At least they were asleep by 10. Last night was worse. Tonight they each keep talking in their sleep. And I was still up with middle of the night kid awakenings last night. This darn house. If it had a flat backyard and one extra bedroom, I could stay here forever. I know I should be grateful. But practicality takes precedence right now.

I wish I could say I've made some sort of progress. I wish I could say I know when and where life is going to take me, but I still don't. I sometimes see glimmers of hope, but I've come to determine that I'm generally grasping at straws. I know I need to appreciate the moments more than I do. I cried and cried this morning (ashamedly) about being a mom, that this is NOT where I wanted to be at this point in my life. Single parenting three boys is just SO HARD. And yet no one can help it. Not a soul. Darn you Adam. I'm so mad at you today for leaving me. I know it isn't his fault. I know it. But it doesn't make me any less mad at him for being gone. Since I know all widows get mad at some point at their dead spouses, I can't hide this very real emotion. I get mad that he wanted to eat donuts. It's dumb and irrational, but he wouldn't be dead if he didn't go eat donuts with the boys that day. Ugh.

This really is an ugly period of widowhood I've been going through. Come to think of it, I don't know how much of the ugly I've been actually posting....I don't think I've posted much of it, so that's good. It hasn't been pretty. There seems to never really be a check off list for different emotions and feelings related to Adam's death--it's like a roller coaster with highs and lows that resurface I suppose. It's sort of like just when I think I've covered and worked through one issue, something else comes in its place or something else triggers an old issue. I often wonder what it would be like to be widowed without children. Not that it's "easier" because it isn't, but it probably would be very different to not have different parenting issues that come up (in my case, x three) to pull one or more family members right back into the mix of ugly mode.

I think I just feel guilty for hating motherhood today. I think having only Carson home right now has made me feel very guilty for not appreciating how good I had it when it was just Justin at home for those years. I didn't have very long with just him at home and no other work and school responsibilities, and now I guess I just feel a bit of regret. I mean, I couldn't have done anything different. But I didn't realize how much easier life was with just one. Simple. Even with all of his special issues that we encountered when he was little. And right now I'm struggling to enjoy the little joys that occur in motherhood. There is a deep dark shadow over the good in my life and I really have to strain to remember the good. Live and learn.

As usual, I'm just trying to strike a balance. Balance being a mom. A woman. Getting household chores done. And simply trying to not go bonkers. I so miss the time in the evenings when Adam would be home. Or our text messages when he'd be gone on call. Or my middle of the night calls to him when I really wanted to chat and knew he was awake working. I just don't understand why this is required of me. And I know I never really will. I am tired of living alone though. I need a companion. But I'm not sure I will ever feel good enough to be what someone else needs of a companion. I feel so very, very broken.

At least the house smells like homemade applesauce.