Awakening

It's been months since I've formulated phraseology of substance for this blog. I've written a bit, but I have felt the past few months that nothing I could do could quite summarize how I've felt as of late. I'm going to attempt it.

I've had some swings. Some very high highs and some very low lows. It has been some of my worst moments and some of my best. I don't think I can describe it any other way. But this I CAN say: I feel like I'm finally coming out of deep hibernation. Like I'm cracking my protective eggshell. It's like the pieces are starting to come together--or fall off, as it may. I don't have it ALL figured out. I mean, I haven't figured out if I really can tackle going back to school so that I can afford to provide for us financially long-term. I haven't figured out how to keep up on all of my tasks at hand. But I have felt an awakening, nonetheless.

In January, I became reacquainted with an old friend from high school. His friendship helped me learn so much about myself in a short amount of time. He made me feel alive again. I remembered what it was like to have a good guy friend to talk to and who genuinely cared about my well being. It was nice to have a good male friend again. He was the first on this path of awakening. Because truly, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Changing up that path of circular reasoning did wonders for my thinking. Then, I made a last minute trip to California. I have wanted for years to have some time to myself, some time to retrace my steps and not to have to worry about seeing anyone or doing anything other than what I needed. Somewhat by accident, I was able to do that. I was able drive through Morro Bay where Adam and I got engaged. To drive through Cambria and San Simeon where we spent our honeymoon. Go to Pismo Beach and wander around. To walk the Avila pier at night and enjoy an amazing full moon. I was able to do all of this--and NOT have grief trigger moments. Any widow and widower knows what a big deal this is. Life is full of triggers. I experience them daily. But to be in such a place in time where these moments and memories have always been so raw, yet so sacred--it was a major breakthrough for me. It helped me realize that there isn't just "one path" that I have to take--there are limitless possibilities. And that I don't have to keep sitting around waiting for these possibilities to appear. I have lived in fear so long, so untrusting of others, so untrusting of myself. I can't really put into words how that fresh beach air, the sunshine, and being able to talk to people of my choosing made all the difference for those few days.

Before I left California that weekend, I was able to meet up with a widow friend. She was able to help me realize how much I have lived in fear. Fear of worrying about what Adam would want instead of realizing my own potential and to learn what I want. True, it has always been hard for me to narrow my focus since Adam died of "what exactly DO I want?" And I can't say that I have all the answers to that (like I wish I did). But I'm getting there. I finally FEEL it. And that feeling is helping me ACTUALLY BELIEVE it now.

I got back in touch with another friend from high school a couple weeks ago. It is interesting how I truly feel God has a way of sticking people in our lives at just the right moment. Sometimes we don't realize it (like the many people who rallied around us after Adam's death, and I wasn't even remotely conscious of who was there, yet I needed every single person who stood by us) but when we DO realize it and things start to click--it is amazing. This other friend who I have gotten reacquainted with reminded me--through his example--of some of the things that I have put on a shelf and had forgotten about. So I went back to Body Pump this past week. I got back on an elliptical machine. And I've been going jogging around the hills in my neighborhood. What? ME? Yes. It has been time to focus on me.

There is a fine line between being narcissistic and actually realizing that in order to take care of others, we have to be taking care of ourselves. I have been lost for so many years in caring for others that I'd lost ME. I had forgotten what it has felt like to take care of me--all of me.

Yesterday I had to help Spencer find family pictures of himself to print off for a school project. In so doing, I was thoroughly disturbed by how few pictures I was "ok with" of myself. There were only a handful. In my mind, nursing school and all that life entailed during Adam's last 2 years of med school were simply hellish. Yes, I brought on nursing school and agreed to that commitment all on my own. They were really hard years where Adam was doing some soul searching and so was I. I don't look back on that time as being all rosy. But I realized yesterday while looking at pictures that those times--at the end of nursing school and the year after--that I probably felt the best I did during our entire marriage. Which is interesting, since it really was a psycho time of running a million different directions. True, I wasn't balancing three kids at that time (only one), but I think my mental capacity felt…"right." I loved learning. I didn't thrive on grades like my colleagues, but it felt good to use my brain in a different way. I think of that time as truly being "me."

And so it is I'm determining now how to balance all that I've learned these past few short months. I was reminded by N how much better I felt when I could devote time in caring for my body. I've been reminded by L how good it was to use my brain in a different way. I've been reminded by J how nice it is to have a balance of spiritual experiences, and to be able to share those with another human. And in going to Ted E. Bear Hollow for the last 8 weeks for grief therapy with the boys, I've remembered how important it is to feel emotionally balanced as well.

It truly is about balancing ourselves mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally. When one of those things is out of alignment, we suffer. As mortal humans, we need all four areas. And to try to overcompensate in one area…it just doesn't work. It is true that we are spiritual beings having a physical experience on earth. But that doesn't mean we can take time to only nurture our spiritual nature. We have to nurture all four to be whole.

So I am taking steps to be sure those four are in alignment. It feels wonderfully freeing.

"And all saints who remember to keep and do these sayings, walking in obedience to the commandments, shall receive health in their navel and marrow to their bones; And shall find wisdom and great treasures of knowledge, even hidden treasures; And shall run and not be weary, and shall walk and not faint." D&C 89:18-20