How Will You Be Known?

I was contemplating this morning. What do I want out of life? I mean, REALLY? Here's what I've concluded:

I don't want to be "known" by lots of other people. I want my friends and family to know me for who I am deep down. Not the grumpy ol' widow that I feel like (and probably am) most days. I want to be known by those who I love as someone who loves others deeply, as one who has compassion, and as one who is slow to anger. I want to be known as a happy person.

I feel like lately, more than ever, I am not that. NOT happy. NOT able to fake being happy. And NOT someone that anyone wants to be around.

On one hand, I know the easy fix--it's all about attitude. (Easy? hmm.)

But on the other hand, I really feel like it's about what I DO to create that happy person inside--and to create that good attitude.

I'm trying to do better with some of our household habits. The kids are now in the habit of reading scriptures with me nightly and I LOVE that it has become a habit. Scripture reading is one of the most important things I can do daily, and yet it is a tough habit to get into. I have found that having the the kids get out their scripture readers while I read the scriptures has increased our success 500%. They like to look at the pictures while I read along. They ask questions as I read. I ask them questions as I read. It's like, for those few minutes at the end of the night, everything is just right. The big boys sit on either side of me on the couch and they look forward to that time.

Carson can say prayers now. When we have family prayer, he can repeat what I'm saying so I "help" him when it's his turn. He loves it. This is a big deal and it warms my heart to hear him praying. It is amazing how much power there is in prayer. I mean, Heavenly Father already knows what we need, knows what we're going to ask for before we do it, but the act of humbling ourselves to thank Him for our blessings and then asking for the things that we need is so crucial, so vital. Prayer and scripture study really do go hand in hand and it is a nice way that our family closes each day together.

I think where I get stuck is all the "stuff." It's the toys and laundry and dishes. The boys bedrooms (and their stuff that is constantly in MY room). It's the nagging feelings to DO SO MANY THINGS that are all important. You know that scale of "good, better, best?" I struggle with only doing the BEST things and finding time in the day for the best. I want the boys to develop responsibility. I want them to be obedient. It seems that simple obedience is what I struggle getting them to DO and then life falls on me so I feel a sense of guilt that I'm not doing all that I can DO. I feel very torn. I want so much to not do all that I'm doing alone, yet I'm trying to learn how to do it all alone without becoming resentful and angry all the time. And I'm not angry ALL of the time. But I am sort of...annoyed all of the time.

I find myself to tears some days just saying that I want to give up, that I want to be done with cleaning up food that has been thrown by an almost two year old on the floor. I find myself shoving more trash in a kitchen garbage and somehow wishing away the fact that only I can rectify the problem of an overflowing trash can.

I depend on Justin a lot. Probably too much. And so I have to be really careful. I walk a fine line with Spencer right now due to some of his behavior issues. When I know that he's going to fight me on something, I have to pick my battles. There's a fine line in teaching him than it is to just have an exercise in futility and further exacerbate my frustrations. I have to remember, even though he's a really smart cookie, he's ONLY 4.

I guess I just want to be known as a mom who raised her children with a sense of right and wrong, with morals, with character, who learned obedience, respect for others, a love and a desire to serve, a desire to learn, to be successful, independent humans, to have a desire to be righteous priesthood bearers, and who will grow to be loving husbands and fathers. I'm sure every mom wants those things.

But I also have a list of things that I want for myself. I want to create, to build, to learn, to retain the information I learn, to grow, to train my body to accomplish physically what it was designed to do, to run and not be weary and walk and not faint, to be spunky, to be the kind of person that people want to be around, to have a drive to GO and DO, to be smart and have wisdom, to be street smart.......the list goes on.

I think I have to go back to my attitude. I need to stop feeding off of negativity--or better yet, to stop being the instigator of negativity. I think if I can't keep my attitude in check then none of the other goals I have will be accomplished. Yep. That makes sense. Maybe that is why I've been sitting around in my messy house feeling sorry for myself.

Yes, sometimes I just feel overwhelmed and it feels sort of like "WHY BOTHER." It's not like I ever really get a day off where I totally ignore meals, dishes, laundry, and showers. But I suppose I never get to the things that make me happy. Like an organized family room and kitchen. Or a clean bedroom with candles burning. Or a freshly bleached bathroom.

Maybe I have unrealistic expectations.

Or maybe I'm just not setting myself up for success? Yes. That's part of it.

So. That's my goal for the week. I'm going to set myself up for success. I will do just one "bigger" thing a day to help change my mood. Today it will be my bathroom and shower. I'm a million times happier when my master bathroom is clean. I will start with kicking out the three baby bears from using my bathroom and see if that helps things a bit. It should help a ton. They won't get to shower there tomorrow.

Let's see how this goes.