Wishes

Last night I used a gift certificate to get a pedicure. I nearly cried, it was so amazing. Some friends of mine took my boys for the night and I enjoyed a quiet night to myself. It was needed. I'm grateful for good friends who think outside the box and realize what I "really" need. I realized when that lady was giving me my pedicure that I haven't been touched by another human being in so long. I had a pedicure with my sister/sister in law/and mom around New Year's, so I guess it's been a few months. My parents gave me a hug when they drove through Omaha a couple days ago, and I realized that even that felt strange since I don't get hugs from people really these days. I think I'm through to another slump of just needing physical contact. Somewhere in my studies I remember hearing that babies die if they aren't touched, given any sort of human touch--that that fact has been studied and the phenomenon is real. I feel that sort of death in me and short of tattooing "PLEASE HUG ME" on my forehead, I'm sort of going nuts over this. I just need a giant bear hug. From a man. Any man. Mind you, this isn't about sex. It really isn't. Well, it sort of is. But it's more than that. I'm just to the point of needing ANY contact. I've heard other widows talk about how people--their friends' husbands--going out of the way to give them a hug when they see them at church and stuff. I'm also well aware that most men just aren't that way, or it would be viewed as "weird" to hug the lonely widow. I totally get that. But I'm seriously dying inside. I can't imagine where I'd be without my kids to at least give me some sort of a hug daily. Thank goodness for Carson, since he's the only one who will really snuggle up to me any more. But it isn't the same. I've learned a lot lately from my single mom friends. The two that I'm thinking of right now have each endured A LOT. Both have special needs children. Both have battled cancer. Both have endured awful marriages. Both are VERY strong women. And both are very good examples to me. They have a can-do attitude. They figure out how to fix things in their houses. They don't just make due, but they "make it happen." On my last visit to one of these ladies' houses, she took me into her master bedroom to show me her demolition job that she is doing herself of her bathroom. Sledgehammer and drywall on the floor, I realized just how amazing she is. She does her best in everything, but more importantly, she has an attitude that if she doesn't like something happening to her, she does something about it. When she needs something "for her" she figures out a way to make it happen. When work isn't going well, she figures out a way to make it better--she has found new jobs when needed. When her children have needed different approaches to aid them in their learning, she finds a way to make it happen. When she decided that she needed to eat certain foods to make her body feel better, she made it happen. She finds a way to get a massage monthly because she knows the physical needs that loom when one is single. My other friend finds a way to do things on her own when she knows what needs to happen. These women know how to navigate an assessment of what they need and how to make it happen. They are amazing examples to me. I think my tendency is to whine and complain, just because lately. I realize how I have needed good examples in my life to strengthen my hope. I also know how very blessed I am to have knowledgeable people in my life--about all things. So even though I can't figure everything out, I am still reminded that I am not on my own--that Heavenly Father places good people in my path to make all of this crazy possible. And to top it off, I got to hear this talk last weekend by Elder Baxter. Inspired words that so many single parent women (and men) needed to hear. I went looking for the original quote from President Hinckley this morning that Elder Baxter relays about the story of the single woman with the 7 children. I was most interested to find the line that he left out when he quoted the original quote. "You would never wish to come back." This is a phrase that has come to me as I've contemplated my own mortality. I know that I pray sometimes to just be whisked away so I can be with Adam again. But the reality is that I know I am needed by my children and that they have their own legacy to leave behind. I know that I have purpose here, even in the midst of so desperately wanting to just go away. So I stay and will live out my life and try to find meaning, purpose and learning. And I need to put a monthly massage and pedicure on the calendar like my smart friend. Sorry, blogger is doing weird formatting things...hopefully the spacing will get fixed eventually.