Stay The Course

I have felt this phrase in my mind over and over the past few days, so I know it is what I'm supposed to do. I guess I'm now determining what course I'm on exactly, and what it means to "stay" on it. There is a careful daily balance between what I want to do, what I should be doing, what I am doing and what I need to do. What I want to do is live in a little utopia of perfection where I can shelter my family from all the bad and evil of the world, for them to grow up in the manner that I consider is ideal. What I need to do is provide the means to help them obtain the physical, emotional, and spiritual tools to learn to be productive men. What I should do is more in certain areas of my life so that I am capable of loving them and others more fully, thereby showing more love through my actions. It's like the answers are seemingly so simple, yet totally and completely complex. I know I need to develop more patience yet with every opportunity to prove I've learned that attribute, I totally blow it and show just how little I've learned. Is it bad that I'm tired of learning? Is it bad that with each passing day I feel more prideful, as though I 'know' I've already learned something or things....Yes. It is bad. I think I still don't know how to get from behind the "widow" label and instead 'just' be a woman and mother, and a woman who wants to be a wife again. Balance. It feels like I'm holding up a stack of plates. China. Very expensive China plates that are carefully balanced and with any slightly wrong move, the whole stack will come crashing down. The plates feel overwhelmingly heavy most days.

I was told one time to write down my dreams. I feel like my dreams have been counterproductive lately. Always of Adam, always of better times, and always very, very married dreams. I'm tired of it. I either want him back (which I know I can't have) or I want to put him on a shelf, most literally. If I'm truly going to go this alone until I die, I want to know that that's what is in store for me, and then I suppose I will keep those dreams around. But if not, he needs to leave me alone. I can't continue in this state of limbo. It feels awful. I want happiness. I want to love and be loved. And I'm tired of the rest of the world having these life experiences and I feel like I'm in the wrong place in time. Me with my little kids. A minivan mom. It just feels all wrong, out of whack.

I will stay the course. But I need to know what this course is all about, because this train is runnning out of steam.