Confessions

No, I haven't fallen off the earth. I just haven't felt like sharing too many of my thoughts lately. I've kept those blog posts to myself.

The year marks came and went this past week. They were rough, as expected. Certain things are impossible to avoid. Those sadversaries were inevitable.

Tomorrow is another one of such avoidances. Tomorrow the defendant will be sentenced for killing my husband. I don't know how to summarize my feelings, and I know I will be all over the place tomorrow with my emotions. I fully expect that he will say he's "sorry." Whether he is actually sincere or not, the unfortunate thing about our lovely society is that I will probably always wonder his sincerity. Not that it matters, really. But knowing that the nature of court is to convince someone--a judge or jury--to be swayed a particular direction, will always make me question his motives for an apology. That's annoying and not soothing to my soul. Nothing about earthly "justice" is just. So as I lay here in my bed tonight, I'm preparing myself for what I've figured will happen tomorrow--a slap on the wrist. What actually happens, well, we'll see.

But really, I know that it doesn't matter if he were to be set free tomorrow. I mean, yeah, on one hand it would be sort of like what does justice consider the value of my husband's life, and if there was no punishment, it would be like ok, so the crime of killing him isn't equal to a punishment of some sort? But then, the way "justice" is set up, I know that if he receives the max penalty, it will not do my heart any good because it doesn't equal out--any amount of jail time does not equal out all the things that I, my boys, our extended family, and society have lost. There isn't someone "winning" in this. There is no sense of peace, no sense of relief or equalization for having Adam taken from me. The only thing that would give me peace is to have Adam back--which won't happen. So there is the line for me.

After tomorrow, I will be done with the defendant. I want to erase him from my mind and be done with him. And I am fully prepared for that. I need to do that in order to heal, to begin to more fully understand forgiveness, to use this aspect of the Atonement in my life. The only thing that I hope to gain is a greater understanding in how the Atonement applies to me as I need to repent throughout my life. The healing balm will only be found as I earnestly and actively use the Atonement in my life.

I am ready to start my own chapter two with my life. I am ready (and desperately need) to stop living in the "if Adam were here at this time, we'd be doing _____" moments. I need to remember the good times, instill good principles in the lives of my children as Adam would want, guard them like hawks like Adam would, and move forward. Not "move on" but simply forward. I listened recently to someone who commented that she thought that we don't necessarily move forward or backward in our progression of life. I totally disagree. I think everyday we make forward and backward steps based on willful choices that we are given. I believe we are in constant motion. The goal, of course, is always to go forward--to do and be better. But I don't think it is possible to stand stagnant.

I want to move forward. I want to learn, grow, and continue to experience life. I want to help my children develop a zest and zeal for life. Life isn't over for us. And I fully believe that it isn't "done" for Adam or any of our loved ones who have passed on. There is constant growth and learning to be done, even on the other side. I believe it is God's design. But my concern is my own growth.

So that is my next quest--to start with some new goals, to help me do and be better. I'm trying. I'm glad to be surrounded by those who are also trying. Good true friends and family are inspiring and will aid me on this quest. Onward, ever onward.