As my life simplifies somewhat, it is evenings like tonight where I just want to shout how much I hate being single. Adam and I worked so hard so that this would never happen--that of living life as a single parent.
I'm tired of yelling. Tired of trying different parenting tactics to get my kids to mind. Tired of not having Adam around to help. I know that sometimes it doesn't matter what either parent says to their kids, that kids still don't mind, but having that other parent around to help (or at least to have them around to complain to) would sure be nice.
A friend provided service watching my boys today so I could go provide service--I gave blood and then went to a midsingles activity of helping at the cannery. It is nice that I could have a couple hours to not have to think about parenting.
I still hate though that I feel like I don't fit anywhere. It is definitely one of those major chips on my shoulders that I have to just accept. But I hate that unlike my friends who are divorced, there is never a "real" break when I am away from my kids. I hate that I didn't ask for this. I hate that I still feel married to some extent but I am SO NOT. I hate the feelings of betrayal that we widows and widowers feel for wanting more in our lives at times. I hate that I have to determine whether or not I truly am betraying Adam, if he'd be mad at me, if I decide to date and remarry. I hate that I don't have Adam here to discuss these issues. I mean, he gets an earful, but for the most part I don't get much response back from him. I hate that most of all.
And I hate the guilt that I feel for having all these "poor me" thoughts. I am well aware that I have been blessed and prepared for this situation somewhat. I have amazing friends and family, I have options professionally and I have 3 amazing, healthy children. I know that things could be much worse. Still, life is tough. There is no denying this.
Somewhere today when I was doing chores I started humming a song, without really thinking what I was humming. I realized after a bit that I was humming a song from The Wedding Singer, that talks about wanting to "grow old with you." Right when I realized this I got so mad. SO. MAD. I didn't get to do that. Sure, we were older than when we married...but 10 years of marriage is hardly growing old together. Ugh. Stupid Adam Sandler, thanks a lot.
Spencer is a very difficult child. He is as stubborn as his mom and as sneaky-smart as his dad--a terrible mix, really! So he and I butt heads a lot, and I fear will for a long time coming (I'm terrified for his teenage years!). I find that really the root of all our trouble is his willful, deliberate choices to disobey. I have had this same thought come to me several times this year, but it hit hard tonight as I found myself lecturing my 3 year old. "Everytime you choose to disobey me, it is ALWAYS trouble. If you would just choose to LISTEN and then DO what I ask, you will never go wrong. You will never be in trouble. Never." As I have repeated this to Spencer (and Justin on a rare occasion), I have felt the parallel hit me hard and deeply. Heavenly Father must feel the same exasperation with His children too. I think many lessons like this are one of the many purposes of having children--we constantly learn from the children we parent. But it made me think once again tonight how disappointed our Father in Heaven must feel when we disobey. And I realize how our disobedience may not involve wrongdoing--it may be doing or being less than that of which we are capable.
Tomorrow is a new day. More issues to tackle tomorrow. We shall see if I can be more obedient.
1 comment:
No trial we go through is ever wasted... I just heard that today at church. We have been dealing with a huge trial for two years. It's been hard. Really hard. I've indulged in more pity parties than I like to admit, and feel like I'm constantly apologizing to Heavenly Father for doing so. But, on the other hand, I know He understands. After all, it wouldn't be a trial if it weren't hard, and I think He knows us well enough to know that when we hurt, we cry... and complain, and pity ourselves. I don't think that means we're not learning. I just cannot imagine that He really expects us, when confronted with trials, to put on our happy faces all the time and merrily say, "Oh well, I'll get thru it." He knows we hurt, He knows we need help. So many times during all of this, my husband has said to me, "Heavenly Father knows what we need." It isn't coming fast. It isn't coming easy. But it is coming along. I am far enough into this journey that I can look back and see the blessings. It's still SO hard, but I still believe in EGBOK - everything's gonna be OK. In my opinion, you're doing as well as can be expected. You know you and your family have been blessed, you try your hardest and do your best. You have your times when it's hard to hang on, but you KNOW deep down Heavenly Father knows what you need, and...
EGBOK.
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