Before the Birds

With the change in seasons, that is when if it feels like I've been waking up for the day. It is dark and quiet and feels too early. Alas, it is actually around 6:30 and I realize how lucky I am to sleep that long. Today Carson is the only one awake. Yet.

I complain too much about not sleeping. I am able to recognize that this morning. No, I don't particularly like being poked and prodded when Spencer joins my bed at some point in the middle of each night. But this morning I realized how he has taken Adam's spot in my bed, and on chilly nights, it feels sort of nice to have someone occupying his spot.

I still want him out of my bed though!

Adam's mother is visiting. Today of day 3 of her visit. I have come to realize that she is an amazing grandma. The kids love the attention she gives them, and I have appreciated the ability to be gone and do the many things on my calendar. I think this is one of the busiest weeks I've had in a long time! Yet is nice to feel (for a very brief moment) that I can come and go as I please, much as I would've done with Adam around. What a blessing.

Tomorrow is an important day. I will be meeting with some important people. I have been praying that I will find some answers to prayers through the opportunity I've been given to meet with these people. As is always the case, I'm sure it all has to do with Heavenly Father's will.

Will is an interesting thing. Being submissive and accepting life as it is is interesting. I'm learning to accept what life is, and try to make the best of it. I'm finding that my dreams are not over, that many of the dreams that I had for me and Adam are simply altered. Well. They're completely overhauled, honestly. But many of the things I want for the two of us, I now dream of trying to accomplish without him, or maybe with someone else. I think this is big. I'm starting to realize that there's no sense for me to try to keep hoping for things to be different. That is an exercise in futility.

Acceptance is a bizarre thing. I also realize why it is part of the grief cycle. And why it is considered the final piece. I know I can't check it off my list, but I certainly feel like I'm moving in that direction.

I figured out what I want. It seems ridiculously impossible, but I think I know what I want. Yes. It is a bit la la land dreamy for me, but hey, I can dream. I want a part time job (preferably nursing job) that provides benefits and with job hours from 11-3 M-F. It would be perfect. It sounded ridiculous until I met a widower who works those hours for a library. And has benefits. So it has to work somehow. Yep. I'm sure most would desire such a schedule. But the more I think it through is the only way I can make sense out of my kids' schedules, in order for them to have activities and develop their talents, and have school, AND have a mom that doesn't lose her mind!:) There is too much that has to be accomplished over the course of a day at home, and it the only thing that makes any sense to my boggled mind. For today I dream of such a "perfect" job.

I'm thankful for dreams. I hear differing accounts from widows and widowers about dreams, having their spouses in their dreams, or not at all. Adam isn't in my dreams consistently, but it is nice when I have one. They are comforting. I don't believe that all dreams "mean something" but it is nice when Adam pops up here and here. Nice.

On to another day. Grumpy kid number two is up. Wow. I am already praying for his teen years to go smoothly...whew!!! Adam and I predicted this. So far Spencer has lived up to our predictions. I hope I'm up for the challenge!