difficult

Today was a difficult day. It started with me lying on the floor and having a full on sobbing, crying fit. I was in the "I give up" mode a little too early this morning. I think it stemmed from being up 6 different times with the kids overnight. Argh. Sleep is so important. There is a reason God created the earth and our bodies such that when it is dark outside we are more relaxed and able to sleep. I also find it interesting that when we close our eyes we see darkness. Again, I think it is purposeful....in theory, anyway.

So I was throwing my tantrum. Justin kept trying to tell me something but I was so frustrated that I didn't want to hear it. I told him I didn't want to talk right then and for him to shower. That's when his voice changed and he said, "But mom, I was DRY." It stopped me short. Quite abruptly. I had been carrying on in another room (away from the kids) about how terrible life is, how I can't figure one darn thing out, how Adam and I worked so long and hard for our family, how we didn't deserve this, how my babies deserve to have a daddy, how I deserve to have a husband....whine whine whine. It was amazing how one little phrase changed my thoughts when I didn't think ANYTHING could change my thoughts for the day. Justin hasn't been dry at night in years. Years. He sleeps so soundly and nothing we've attempted medically (we have attempted drugs, devices, literally everything) has changed this problem. I haven't seen him so happy about anything in a long time. I told him he could pick out whatever he wanted for our family night treat tonight. We had churros from Taco John's, per Justin's request. Mmm.

But that wasn't all for the day. Spencer had a fit and lay on the floor at school when I attempted to drop him off. He is quite a good tantrums thrower. If I hadn't personally made sure he was in the shower before I went and had my own fit this morning, I would've thought he got some tips from my tantrum this morning. Must be innate or something!:) I felt so bad for his poor teacher. He chose a bad day for a tantrum-- his class was being observed by the state to ensure federal guidelines were being followed since they get state funding. Ugh. I felt so bad handing of grumpy Spencer. Especially as the state lady stood there with her clipboard and pen. Oh well. She got a an accurate picture of what this classroom could be like....

I got a workout in. And I'm now sore. After two weeks of appointments and kiddo with a cold, I finally got a good Body Pump workout in. Thanful for that.

This afternoon we went house browsing. And I found one in a neighborhood that I like. I'm just really frustrated with decision making. No one can give me an easy answer about what to do--I have to make these decisions all by myself. There cannot be an absolute certainty that everything will work with any decision I make, it's ridiculous. I want so much to make one decision, because I feel like if I make one, then others will fall in place. Maybe that's flawed logic. But I'd like to think that just one step would help me.

I want to be married again. I want a husband to share my life with, one who will love me and who I will love. I want someone to take care of us. Not rescue us exactly, but rescue each other I guess. But therein lies a lot. A lot of uncertainty, a leap of faith. I don't know if I'm capable of trusting another person. I have been burned before. I don't know. I'd like to think it is worth it, but of course I worry about the damage potential. So. Scary. As I've learned, there are no guarantees. I can only guarantee who I am I suppose.

But such is love--a huge leap of faith. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't. If only one person puts into a relationship his/her full effort, then the relationship will fail. And I fully understand what it is like to be one sided in a relationship. Both partners have to work and work and never give up on each other.

A widow friend got married last week to a widower in my widowed group. I had sent her an email of congrats, about how most of us widows and widowers hope for such a "happily ever after." She responded today with sweet words that helped calm me tonight. It was needed after a day of many frustrated tears:

"It is amazing how God wants to bless us, we just have to have faith and let His plan unfold....I know that He wants to give you your own kind of "happily ever after" in His own time."

Thanks Kate. I needed that.