Bipolar

No, not a real diagnosis. But it is how I feel a majority of the time these days. I can go from "everything is ok" to "everything is hell" in about 10 seconds flat. It is interesting to me too. This sort of experience could cause someone to develop bipolar tendancies--if I were just a tad younger, it could be text book bipolar. Adam and I had many discussions about the mental illness of bipolarism. It is interesting what causes people to have a "break"--and certainly what I'm experiencing would cause some people to break.

I would probably have become an alcoholic. It is a very good thing that Adam and I had talked about that "what if" right before he died. It would be a slap in his face to drink, seeing as he was killed by a drunk and all, so I won't. It's probably the only thing keeping me from that. Well, that and the fact that all my friends who drink socially think that alcoholism is "someone else's problem." It is interesting for me to sit back and watch this phenomenon. It angers me. A lot.

I'm really on the edge of done. I don't know what that means since I don't believe in suicide and would never do such a thing. I've had people tell me things like "Wow, if my husband/wife died, I would just have to kill myself." Thanks. What a statement. How helpful. I'm sure everyone thinks that's what they'd do. But like all the other statements I'm told, what one 'thinks' they'd do and what they'd 'actually' do are two different things.

I have my kids. Yes. But I don't have the love of my life. It is the ultimate in irony that he is the only one--ONLY ONE--that could help in such devastation. And since I don't have him, well...WHAT? What do I do? What goals do I really have? How do I go about life? How do I attempt to plan? I don't. I have been paralyzed for so long. I'm tired of the paralyzing feelings I have.

I broke down today several times. Once while I was watching something on tv while I was having a snack after picking the kids up from school. I must have done one of those blubbering gaspy cry things because both Carson and Spencer stopped what they were doing and heard me. Carson looked at me and said "crying" and then Spencer asked me why I was crying. Interestingly, when I told Spencer that "I miss Daddy," he went and got one of the "daddy books" and brought it to me. He told me to look at it so I could be happy. It had the opposite effect, but it was sweet of Spencer to try to cheer me up. Carson came over and pointed to Adam in the book and said "Daddy."

I'm just FEELING the loss, the finality to it all. I think back where I've come from and I think that even when I 'thought' I felt it, I know it was more intellectualized loss than anything. I can now feel it with every fiber of my being.

It is hell.

Yet it makes me think about all the times I spent with Adam. It is weird (but a gift from God, I can definitely acknowledge) that I had many thoughts that were so odd through our relationship. Every inch of his body is etched in my mind, in my hands--I can literally almost mold him with my hands. I distinctly remember feeling his face, outlining every inch of him and imagining if I had been suddenly blind, would I know him by touch. I think he and I talked about this. I remember always wanting to remember every bit of him if such a thing happened. And I'm glad that I do. To a point.

I think that's what is so hard for me to figure out how to let go of his place in my life. It really never was about all the worldly status things--it wasn't about money, it wasn't about his profession, it wasn't about how smart he was. It was about who he was deep down. It was about how he made me feel when he was with me. It was about how I made him feel. It was about being able to peel back all the layers of who we really were and be real with each other. That is a very difficult thing to do--to BE--with another person. I know not all relationships have that.

I know it is possible to love again. I know it because I've seen it. And I don't think it is an impossible, mythical, theoretical thing. I know some widowed people (it's amazing how many of met now!) who 'seem' on the outside to be "professional widows/ers." And I don't want to be that. I know that it took a long time to cultivate and grow the relationship that I had with Adam, and that if a similar relationship comes my way, it'll be even more tough to do. I don't really know how young single moms my age find time to date...unless they have family around that constantly encourages that sort of thing and doesn't appear burdened with watching little ones. I mean, I think back about when I dated Adam (keeping in mind, I was 19). We'd go out at 6 or 7 and come home at midnight (my curfew...he didn't have one). That kind of in depth dating was necessary to really learn about each other. Not that people have to be out til midnight. But dating has to be...unscripted...to get to know someone deeply. But now, I feel like that is impossible. I have kids. Responsibility. And a sitter costs money. And that is unreasonable to ask my friends to watch kids that long.

I am asked if I get breaks. Yes, I suppose I do. I routinely have 4-6 times a month that I ask friends to watch the boys for varying lengths of time. Generally I get out to go to my widowed friends' group dinner once a month. And to a church scout meeting once a month without kids. And a weekend night or two a month for 3 or 4 hours at a time. And I suppose that's more than a lot for some. I'm grateful for that time and the sweet friends that take my kids.

But it is what I come home to that doesn't end. Ever. Tantrums. Yelling. Backtalk. Yes. It is what every parent deals with. I have always dealt with this stuff. But it was very different to have Adam to take the kids to another room, to discipline them, to give me a time out daily. Give and take. It is what we do in relationships as parents and as spouses.

I guess as I move forward to the whole "acceptance" phase of my life, it is just SO HARD. I don't want to accept any of this. I want to close my eyes, pretend we're in Houston (where we would've been) in our 4 bedroom rented house and swimming in pools, and pretend that all the time that we spent in Adam's learning and professional life was not a total waste. I know it wasn't, truly, but some days it feels like my life is one big lie, one big waste. What kind of person sets out to move across the country to the middle of the frozen tundra away from family, has 3 kids, plans on being a stay at home mom and then says...JUST KIDDING! That whole plan was a big joke. Start from scratch and try again! No one.

And yes, I know no one sets out to get divorced, to be widowed. Those things just sort of happen.

It is stupid.

It is impossible to completely plan for. IMPOSSIBLE.

It is hard knowing that there isn't anything to look forward to. And no, I'm not talking money here. But just being together as a couple. Looking forward to having late night pillow talk. Analyzing the world together, teaching each other. Enjoying the children we created together, creating more children. That's huge. And I keep lamenting it. Circular reasoning, I know. But it is real and having had it snatched away...I don't know how to forget it since it was all so good. Hard to tell myself, "Nope, that's just all gone now. Deal with it."

It's just ALL GONE. And nothing will change that.

And mostly days, even though I come up with a million different options for my future jobs or furthering my education or attempting to create some sort of real path for my life....I don't care about ANY of it. Because Adam isn't here to care about any of it. While I know he DOES care and cares for me and the boys and our future...I don't really know what he thinks. And that is what kills me.

I don't know how to change this mindset. Because there ISN'T a way out of this hole I'm in.

It isn't just a matter of how we'll make it financially and when I do have to work. It is listening to my single mom friends who have teenage children who cannot care for themselves at home before/after school and cannot go to daycare. I think about all the what ifs. What if I'm in the same situation. My kids don't have a daddy out there to help on weekends. Or at all. Ever. Again.

HOW WILL THIS WORK LONG TERM???

It isn't logical.

I get mad at God. I get mad at Adam. I get mad at myself. The 'how to' all this doesn't make sense.

Where is that other man out there who knows how I feel, who loves his wife with the same intensity that I love Adam, and can take a chance at loving my boys--AND ME. And can I love someone else's kids? I have talked to single-never-married-before men and I watch their reaction to hearing that I have 3 kids. One kid...hmm, maybe not a deal-breaker...but 3? Heck no, RUN THE OTHER WAY! And I get that. If I didn't already have 3 kids, maybe I'd have that same mentality.

Yes. I mentioned bipolar. And you are witnessing my psyche today.

Did I mention I decorated the Christmas tree today? With 3 children? One of whom thinks it is more fun to un-decorate the tree? And I had to put up all of 'our' favorites, ones that we had on our first Christmas together, just 8 days after we were married.

I think Christmas is my least favorite holiday now. It used to be my fav. I think it's the fact that I got married around Christmas time. This time of year brings so many good and bad memories all at once.

This is going to be one heck of a month.

Glad I got that out of my system. It was a long time coming. So now I can post the "good" that I've wanted to post...it is next up.