priorities

I find myself struggling. For the past 24 hours I haven't felt well so it is interesting how everything gets thrown into perspective. At one point Justin said "You need to find a new husband so someone will take care of all of us when you are sick." Hmm. It isn't that simple, oh 9 year old. It is interesting to me how his little brain works. It is so very age appropriate, everything he does is very text book like. I can't stand text books. I would like them more if there was an accurate textbook outlining everything I do. Or should do.

The other morning I put the kids in the shower and said aloud all the thoughts in my head for 2 minutes. Whew, did I ever unload! I have a million thoughts centering on a million completely different things at any one given time. I think I've grown accustomed to this madness in my head. I remember the first time I experienced this. It was the night after Adam died. Someone had incorrectly stated on facebook that "the doctors had sedated" me. Of course this wasn't something I saw written about me until much after the initial weeks of chaos. I laughed when I saw this though and realized that the person who wrote it didn't have understanding that docs don't just go around sedating family members of trauma (if only it were that simple) and that because of all that was going on, it wouldn't have helped me any to be sedated even if it were possible. I was in the midst of hell and had to be awake for it all. What actually happened the night Adam died was I sat listening to Spencer cry out in pain for his daddy every 30 seconds. He didn't sleep; the meds that he was getting didn't knock him out as he needed either. And so I sat in a recliner in his room and cried and my mind raced. It raced about a million things. All unsolvable problems, I thought and thought. It was insane. And now, I feel just as insane. The difference is that I'm not keeping close eyes on when meds are given (since there aren't any) but I still sit and stew about the many problems that I can't find solutions to. I know my friends are probably sick of hearing me try to come up with answers, but the bottom line is that there aren't any easy answers. And I still struggle with being responsible for making decisions that affect everything. Every darn thing.

Spencer is really struggling at school. I got a call from his teacher today (it isn't very fun to get a phone call from school during the day....My first thought is, "Ugh, who is sick or hurt?"). She told me that he fell asleep in the middle of the morning during the noisiest part of the day, and then when they woke him up he peed in his pants. Again. Why does everything in my home involve penises? I mean seriously. And course that was another word Carson has learned, thanks to his big brothers. Oh well, at least they are anatomically accurate, which Adam and I always agreed that would be the way our kids would he taught about life. I am so sick of urine.

I'm trying to figure out how to better prioritize things in my life. I haven't figured out how to do that, but after today's phone call, I feel the urgency to help Spencer get "normal." He needs to sleep normally, play normally, and get his frustrations out in a normal, healthy manner. I just haven't quite figured out HOW.

Back to HOW. It never is about the why. Just how. There is still no how-to manual. I have a sneaking suspicion that I'm writing it.