Waves

I've had such strong waves of ups and downs today. As I contemplated many of the things that Adam and I went through together, all of the many things that only he knew about me and only I knew about him, I just got to thinking about how much I would rather just stay single, and just "wait" for him. Anyone who is married and starts to think on the things that are just between the two of you, there is a lot. To imagine sharing life with another person sounds odd, and just WRONG. Marriage is such a sacred place, a place where we let our guard down, where we be "real" with another person. No one else understands all that that entails. While I had these thoughts today, I realized how much I don't want to have that with another person. And then right when I thought this I determined it was crazy.

I know young widows who say that they want to stay single and not remarry or have another relationship ever again. But the widows I know who think this do not have kids. I don't think that factor is necessarily the tipping point for wanting to be married again, but I think that certainly the "parenting" aspect of our relationship is something I miss so much. I saw him grow so much as a parent and being able to parent at his side is something for which I will always be grateful. We grew together because of that experience and I long for that again.

I don't have many shocking moments anymore--I don't question where he is when I wake up alone every day. I don't secretly hope that someone else will change Carson's stinky diapers or that someone else will do other household duties. I know that it's all me. I don't look at the clock at 5:00 pm and think to myself that he's almost home to rescue me from the rough evening hours of the day. Those are moments I've simply expected. But occasionally one sneaks up on me and I forget reality.

I was at Sam's Club today. I try to stack all of my shopping and errands. I think most moms do this. But I feel like my getting a sitter to do these monotonous necessities of life is sort of a waste--I want to use the "me time" for something a bit more enjoyable than Walmart or Sam's trips. Anyway. I've needed some jeans for a long time. I generally just buy clothes and pray that they'll work because I can't try things on with kids with me, or when I do attempt...I realize it is a big mistake. So, I was wandering through the jeans area at Sam's when I spotted some great Levi's--for guys. For about 15 seconds I spaced out. My mind went right to his size and I almost walked towards them to start looking through the pile for Adam's size. I bought clothes for him a lot because he hated shopping. So I was pretty shocked today that my mind whirled so far out of reality. I haven't spaced like that for a while.

I realized in that moment that I want SO MUCH to buy clothes again. Guy clothes. For someone I love. ARGH! It is so illogical, and really sort of stupid. But I miss him so much.

I think sometimes people judge widows and widowers and say that they shouldn't remarry to fill the hole that their spouses left. While that reason shouldn't be the main reason for remarrying, obviously that role would be filled by another spouse. That is just reality.

It bugs me that I still worry about the "they" factor--whoever "they" really is. I still worry about what "they" think. It doesn't matter--or "shouldn't" matter--but I think it's unrealistic to say that we humans (and widows) don't care about what other people think. We want to be accepted, we want to to do right by people, we want to please others and keep life in this little utopian bubble. But it's impossible. I know that. I know I can't please "them."

I don't know if it is a good thing to get away from all of the memories of Adam. On one hand it might be good to get away from some of the constant reminders that he's gone. But other times it is comforting. I don't know yet.

I've met a lot of widows who get rid of all of their bedroom furniture--most importantly, their bed--after their spouse passed. Many rearrange furniture, buy new bedroom sets, buy new bedding. I understand those sentiments. I'm moving in that direction slowly. A few weeks ago I woke up with my foot having ripped a hole in my sheets in my bed. I realized that the sheets were simply worn out. I had to buy new sheets. That was a big deal. BIG deal. I no longer have "him" in my bed now, our sheets are gone.

So I'm trying to decide what is best in order to continue moving along. I need to get rid of the non-essential things of his. It has been easy to box things up, categorize things and put them in the basement. It's altogether different to actually get rid of them. It's the goofy meaningless pieces of paper where he's scribbled notes that keep him alive for me. Yet I can't keep them all.

My birthday was last week. Another year. Still not as old as he was when he passed away. I think when I surpass that in another two years that I may really struggle with that. My birthday was sort of up and down. I cried a lot that day. There's just something about certain dates that are tough. And I have little boys that aren't, well...all that sensitive. It didn't matter how many times I suggested they go make me a birthday card--they never did. They were particularly difficult in the afternoon/evening hours so it made for a tough evening and I had to change my plans. But how grateful I was for many friends who did such sweet things for me, and for family who sent cards and presents. It is bad to overshadow the good with the bad, but on this particular day, I struggled with that so much. Adam and I had so many darn traditions. It is going through these special days without our traditions that I struggle. There's simply no going around it. I'm not sure how to get used to them. Will I ever?

I folded 10 loads of laundry today. TEN. I've never minded folding laundry, but I hate putting it all away. Maybe that's why drawers and closets in our house have always been really disorganized--Adam never liked keeping things in any sort of order, he liked shoving clothes in drawers and closets. But it was his job. So the past few days I've just let all the laundry pile up and I cleaned everything else. I found it amusing that things were more clean than they've been in a while in the house as a whole...except that giant mound of laundry on the chair in my family room. I've put away about half of it now. I have a sneaking suspicion that by the time I actually get around to getting it all put away, I will have another 10 loads to laundry to fold. Oh well. At least the clothes are clean?

I guess I just pick my battles. Every minute of every day. We all do, huh?