The Widdas

I've never particularly liked this term "widdas" but since that's how many young widows and widowers refer to themselves, I suppose it's one more thing for me to get used to. It should be noted, however, that I still don't like the term "widow." It still sounds like the big, ugly, scary, spider. Whatever. It is what it is.

Tonight I went out with my widda friends for one of our monthly dinners. It is always such a strange sight in my mind, all of us spouse-less people sitting around in a room full of "normal" people. Yet it is always a good time, we can laugh a bit, exchange ideas, and most of all...feel normal. Being widowed is impossible to fully "get" by those who haven't been widowed, sad as it is. So to be with those who DO get it, well it's just nice. One of my widow friends asked if my mother set me up on dates (as I was 'sort of' hoping for...) over New Year's when we were visiting. When I informed her that that did not happen, and that my siblings don't want me to date...well, I appreciated the response from one of my widda friends, "They aren't here in Omaha though." Dating is such a taboo topic. Tough for even some widow/widowers to talk about. For some widdas, they swear off remarriage and dating. So I'm sure it is tough to hear. But the statistics are real--nearly 90% of all widowers remarry. The number of widows who remarry...well, let's just say that the numbers aren't in my favor. I'm quite realistic about that. And I haven't decided what I will do about that. I've never been an aggressive type when it comes to dating. While parts of my personality are hmm, very aggressive, dating is simply not that way. When I was young and cute, it was much easier to let guys come to me and then have me make up my mind. Not that they were exactly lining up at my door, but I didn't ever worry about being asked on dates I suppose. They happened. It's just interesting how life is very different now and yet my mindset is the same. I still think of myself as little ol' 19 year old me. 32. 32. It has been one day and I still can't get used to that. Stupid numbers.

Not sure how I got off on this topic. The bottom line is, tonight was nice. It is nice to have friends who are in my shoes and get what I'm going through. Misery loves company. Sad but true. I wouldn't wish this situation on anyone, but it is nice that I'm not alone in my misery. And not to suggest that all my widow friends are miserable, because they aren't. But since we're all in a similarly tough situation, it is helpful to have some go-to friends who "know."

I was interested that one of the big topics we discussed tonight was health insurance. It is something so basic, something that we all are (or were) concerned with. It was clear that some at our table are financially well off. But regardless, health insurance is still a major problem, even for those who don't necessarily worry about money long-term. After having a political discussion with my dad recently, he brought me back from my political hot points that could be classified as more liberal I suppose. But it is still hard for me to wrap my brain around the fact that just because someone else messed up life as I knew it that health insurance--caring for myself and my children--is not a guarantee. It bugs me. A lot. Yes, I know I feel a sense of entitlement. Particularly since I went through all of Adam's rigors of med school and the like. I wish I (and the boys) could be guaranteed health care for life somehow, but it doesn't work that way. It was nice to hear how others are navigating things healthcare-wise and it gives me some thoughts on how I will do things. It's just a fact that if I work full time and then pay for daycare that I might as well not be working...and to work and put my children in daycare just so I can see a doctor seems a bit ridiculous. I still wish that everyone simply paid out of pocket to see doctors and we wouldn't have the system we do with insurance. So much money wasted on paperwork pushers, it drives me nuts.

I haven't been able to write many coherent blogs lately. I've been struggling. A lot. Like, bad. And there isn't anything anyone can do, it's just simply part of my course. My brain is a lot of different places and so it is tough to stay on any one topic when I write. The boys are being particularly difficult and it is tough to manage them alone. I'm pretty worn down and I've struggled on how exactly to come out of this funk and get them--and life--in order.

I know that I'm on there verge of deciding some things. Really close, I can feel it somehow. But I just drag my feet, I just don't want to have to do anything. But I sense that before 2012 is out, I will have made at least one major decision. So I'm back to my knees. Move, Master's degree, get a job, or get a private insurance policy and try to maintain my nursing license through a portfolio. Those are the debates. Each comes with major consequences. Each is scary. Each affects the other. But I'm coming closer.

This much I know:

1. We need health insurance long term.
2. I need to figure out how best to renew my RN license in 2014.
3. We need a bigger house with a backyard suitable for kids to run around. And a front yard suitable for a basketball game.
4. I come close every single day to a major breakdown.
5. I'm tired of hearing Carson say "Cry. Momma Cry." He says it a lot because I cry a lot.
6. Everything I think and feel is normal and drugs will not cure anything. I will not ever believe otherwise.
7. I'm ready to date.
8. I need to sleep better. I need Carson out of my room and in his own room. And with him trying to figure out how to climb out of his crib, I give it about a month and a half before I do something drastic.
9. I don't think I'd have the support I have here in Omaha anywhere else. It will take that support to wane to make me want to move elsewhere, I think.
10. I need to be happy. For me. Not just the kids. But for me.
11. It's time to go back to Weight Watchers and stop this nonsense.
12. I love chocolate cake.
13. I'm tired of the cold already and I know it is just "really" beginning. I think it was a high of 11 today.
14. I love Body Pump. It has been my saving grace. Not much better a feeling than to listen to Nirvana and pump some weights. Best way to feel better physically is watching how weights change muscle.
15. Justin is growing up so quick and I hate it. I wish he were still my little buddy that would cuddle up and watch cartoons on the couch. I didn't know how good I had it, just the two of us while Adam was gone so much in med school.
16. If I don't do something quick, Carson is going to follow in Spencer's footsteps. And I don't know where in the world THAT will take me. Or them. Oh yes. I do. It will put me in the crazy house.
17. I miss Adam. I'm tired of talking to him and not hearing him talk back. And I think he's tired of it too. The phrase "feels like a lifetime" is what I am living. A lifetime without him.
18. Adam wants me to be happy.
19. I want to be happy.
20. I don't know how to be happy. Still.


The end of my ramblings. For today.