Between The Raindrops

Watching how others grieve has been interesting from the perspective of a widow. As a cancer nurse for 4 1/2 years I watched many people grieve--or at least prepare to fully grieve. I realize now that watching a loved one as they are preparing for death is a very different thing than actually grieving when a death occurs. They are two very separate sets of emotions, even if they are tied together.

I have watched many widow friends grieve. We all have opinions about grief, but I think the general consensus is that we all do what we have to do--just because we have to cope in whatever way necessary. We don't always agree on how to grieve. It is dumb that we judge so much.

One of my widow friends lately has talked about grief in the past tense--as though she considers herself "cured" or "done" grieving to a degree. I'll admit that this bugs me some because I almost feel a sense of judgement in her tone, as thought she thinks that it is necessary to abandon her "old" life so that she can move forward. I guess it bothers me because I feel like the new me will always be intertwined with the old me. I don't think I have to let go of all my past in order to be hopeful for my future. I think where my definition of "letting go" is different than hers is that I believe that I need to somehow not utterly long for the old me, the old life, that "what was" and "what would've been." THAT is what I have to come to terms with or to let be in the past. I still don't really know how to do that. I've considered therapy. But I have determined that no therapist can help me let go of those things. That is for me to decide I suppose. And I believe the reasons I don't want to let go of those woulda-couldas is that they help me be happy sometimes, when nothing else seems to do the trick.

Tonight I was watching tv after I put the kids to bed. A show was on and a newly married couple held hands. In that brief screen shot I was taken back to a million different settings, a million different times I held Adam's hands in mine. I could feel them. I could feel the scar on his thumb, his wedding ring as it rubbed my fingers while it was on his finger, in my hand. And for one very brief moment it took my breath away and gave me peace.

And then it broke my heart. I long for him in ways that only my heart can define, for there are no words.

And yet, then I simply longed for that kind of love again. It was a strange mix of emotions. It helped me know that somehow it is possible to have love in my life again, even if the logic still doesn't make sense that someone can love two people at the same time. I see that it is possible. And I don't want to let go of him forever. I want both.

I've worn Adam's ring on and off lately. I probably really shouldn't. It is so giant for even my thumb. But there's just something about the feel and the sound and the temperature of that ring that brings me to happy times.

The "get real" side of me thinks that maybe it is simply because I've been struggling with so much that I literally have to bring my brain to a different space in time to feel peace. That is the reality. I long for the peace I felt with him, but because I feel more complete, knowing what I do now, I long for a more complete peace in my life. I long for the comforts that our relationship held, but someone else to learn from and grow with. Because I really need to grow. My heart needs growth.

And then I get fearful. That it'll never happen. Or that I'm not doing the right things to make sure I'm putting myself on the right path to find the right person in this "second of firsts."

I want to have faith and hope. I do. Some days just feel so incredibly thankless, with no one to cuddle up and to share our mutual woes and mutual joys. And laughter. I may miss that most of all right now.

How long must I do this? I hear someone else's words echo similarly when I say and think this thought daily. All I can do is pray that I can continue on, that I have the faith to do so, and that I can trust Heavenly Father's plan for me. I know He has one. I just wonder what else He plans to stick on my path if this is where the past 32 years has routed me.

I have loved hearing this song lately. I broke out the video tonight. I think it is something about the two white horses in this video that hold more symbolism to me...along with symbolism in the words to this song.