In my quest to further dissect my grief and attempt to move forward, I was reading some online how-tos (aimed at grief therapists) for grief counseling. Isn't it nice that every bit of info on the planet is at our fingertips in a matter of seconds. It scares me a bit sometimes.
I started through the usual list of steps of grief (I still get really annoyed at those...as though they are accurate. One cannot summarize it ALL in those few grief categories. BLAH!) to see what part of those I want to focus on this week. Anger is what came up. I really haven't been angry at Jason for a very long time. Not that I'm happy with him, mind you, but I've had other anger issues to deal with that plague my mind.
I don't like that I'm so mad at Adam, but I am. I have to be honest. He left me with so much junk to deal with. I often wonder if roles were reversed, if he would have near the amount of junk to do as I do if I had been the one who died. I don't think he would. Partially because of gender roles and partially because...well, he simply left me with a pile of crap to figure out. And since I'm in the middle of potty training his 3rd child, I mean that quite literally as well as figuratively.
"You may feel hurt or frustrated with the situation, because you cannot change it," said one website.
Yep. That is totally what summarizes my anger issues. I CAN'T change it. And I don't want to accept it. So I'm simply stuck until I can choose to accept it. There is a giant pile of unfinished business between me and Adam. I don't know that I will ever feel ok with some of the issues he left me to deal with. It's a fact. So I guess I am still angry.
In life we are taught coping mechanisms--ways to deal with things. Through the past 2 1/2 years, I have done different things to cope with my anger. Some good, some not. I've weight lifted, done kick boxing, step aerobics, water aerobics. I've yelled and screamed. Lately the only thing that I've been able to do with any sort of frequency is yelling and banging on the walls of my shower when I need a good hot showered screaming and crying fit. I hate that I'm generally yelling at Adam, but at the same time....I'm DANG mad at him. So mad.
One of my friends bought me a pink punching bag for my birthday. It was one of the highlights of my birthday because it made me laugh AND made me feel better. I need more laughter. I need a funny man in my life to refer to when I need a good laugh.
I think the overriding anger above all stems from feeling so let down by him. Like he didn't keep his end of our promises to each other. I know that somehow it will all work out eventually, but for now it doesn't make sense and I don't see any potential for happiness now. NOW. I want to be happy NOW. No, I don't need to be a bazillionare like we would've been now. Instead I just want to live a happy life. I want to have someone to love...and be loved in return. It is the love that only a husband and wife know. And I guess I feel a little desperate and panicky--I am well aware that it may never happen again. It is reality.
AND SO....I'm MAD. FURIOUS. ANGRY. SPITTING FIRE BALLS. And I need a thesaurus to further explain my fury. I'm so mad that I don't have the words. I'm going to see what progress I can make this week on anger.
1 comment:
Livid usually does it for me.
I haven't had the same reasons to be angry that you have, but I've had plenty of my own. And, sometimes, I feel like the only reason I'm choosing to stay mad about something/one is because it's all I have left to feel. Once that firey, passionate feeling is gone, there's going to be an empty space in my bowl of emotions and I get scared I won't know how to fill it again.
Oh, and I totally had one of those screaming showers a couple weeks ago. Except I'm more of a wailer than a screamer.
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