Definitions

Today's Widow 101 lesson: Defining Grieving and Loss.

Oprah (who I have a love/hate relationship with) gave some definitions similar to these recently, but the definitions I learned at the W/W conference were a little more in depth, more concrete.

One little admission first though: I generally think that 'most' psychologists are more messed up than the people they counsel (that they have their own deep-rooted psychoses for going in to the field of psychology). That said, I am always a bit (or a LOT) apprehensive in taking advice/being open to information from any psychologist. HOWEVER. The psychologist at the W/W conference, Dr. Kent Allen, was quite right-on in what he taught this weekend....

Dr. Allen said that his "new" definitions (after having experienced a loss himself) are the following:

Loss= An event that shatters hopes and dreams that are core to our existence.

Grieving= The process of letting go of the lost hopes and dreams. It facilitates the acquisition of new hopes and dreams.

And his other main points in this particular lecture:
1. Grieving is an unlearned process.
2. Grieving is a feeling process, not a thinking process.
3. There is NO LOGIC in this process.
4. And (the Biggie...) WE HAVE TO GO THROUGH IT.

So, I think my problem is I'm generally a pretty logical person. I think I can think everything through, I can tell myself how things are, I can predict/estimate how things "will be." Yet, there isn't logic to "real" grief and all the stages must be felt to some degree. This I've known. Duh. But I don't like the illogical-ness to it all.

I think that while I'm grateful for the ways in which the Lord prepared me for this tragedy (He did), there will still be completely illogical emotions, and experiences that I have to go through. Which is tough for me to imagine, or "let" myself experience. But all who experience loss MUST go through the ENTIRE grieving process.

My frustration is that there is NO book, NO "right" or "wrong" way to grieve, no....LOGIC. Which makes it all tough for me. Because I want to be able to give myself affirmations like "Good, you've experienced THAT. Check!" And yet there aren't those obvious "been there, done that" experiences. Grief just doesn't work that way. At all. Kind of like forgiveness. It's a process. Months, years, maybe a lifetime, to process it all.

I think I find myself holding back tears or making myself change my thoughts sometimes just because it's better (sometimes easier) not to think about the full impact of my loss. Sometimes I don't know how to "let" myself feel. It's weird. Again, I look for some sort of pat on the back as to say that I'm "normal" and feeling as I should, I suppose.

But for my own sanity's purpose, I'm going to itemize the things I'm grieving today. And forgive me (well...honestly, I don't really care, but I'll be nice and ask for forgiveness from others?) in my repetition in thoughts or my listing of things that aren't all that kosher to discuss...

My lost hopes and dreams on my mind today:

Sex
Growing old with Adam
Companionship
Husbandly advice
Husbandly admonishment
Plans
Money
Comfort
Someone to help button my buttons/zippers on backs of my shirts
Husbandly yard work
Manly chore helper: fix-its around the house
My backup assistant with "others"
My reassurer
My backup assistant parent
Story reader to the boys before bed
Hoping for vacations with just the two of us
Anniversaries...of all sorts
Another baby, "Rachel"
Family Home Evening Board name gone
Hearing daily funny hospital gossip
Daily medical debates/case studies
My own nursing medical knowledge backup/explainer
Sex.
My best friend
His snoring at night
Exercise partner
Computer/electronics fix it guy
Movie watcher
General debater
Dates
Husbandly compliments
Weekly flower deliveries (in the future)
Planning our dream home
Date nights "in"
"What if" conversations
Moving plans and dreams
Sex
Adam paying off my student loans
Adam paying off his student loans
Enjoying investing $ together, discussing money
Snow shoveler
Car fix-it/ take it to the shop guy
Other pair of eyes
Other pair of hands
His cold feet in my bed at night
Listening to him fall asleep every night
Helping him help me
Helping him
Watching thunderstorms together

Such a small list off the top of my head. Yet different hopes/dreams/plans to grieve over. Stinks. All of it. Some of these things...I just don't know how I'll grieve these things, and moreover, how I'll replace these dreams with new ones. That's tough. And necessary. But I already have a list going in my head of new hopes and dreams. They don't "replace" Adam, but they are dreams to get me through to the future I suppose. Some of them, I have to just think what Adam would want me and the boys to do, some I know what he has said he'd want me to do so that makes things simple. I guess it's all the gray area stuff where I just wish he were around to brainstorm with. Ugh. One more thing to grieve over.

Productive grieving.