I'm still awake

Might as well blog a few things.

Can't believe that really cute widow went for the silly, wishy-washy guy on the Bachelor.  Do I usually watch that garbage on tv?  Not generally, but this season I did off and on...mostly because I was curious what would become of that very cute, young, widow.  Hmm.  That poor daughter of hers....Happy thoughts for her.

Last night I broke out something I hadn't since pretty much Adam's funeral--the guest sheets from his funeral of the roughly 200 people who attended.  It was weird, but good, to go through them and look at all the names.  There were certain people I didn't realize were there, and there were those who I'm pretty positive that I saw in the audience whose names were not on the sheets.  Either way, it made me so incredibly grateful, again, for the support of others.  There were a few people who attended that I was like, "Hmm, I know OF them, but I (we) don't really "KNOW" them."  I am very touched by that.  But the thing that got me most, as I looked over the names, was the realization that there were 12 teachers/staff from Justin's school there.  Twelve.  Including every 3rd grade teacher.  That was A LOT of substitutes that they had to get that day!  Seriously!  I was/am shocked!  And SO grateful for their support.  They've been wonderful to our family through the years, and I am just so overwhelmed with gratitude.

Thanksgiving and gratitude are interesting things.  Our nation was built on them.  And not just eating turkey, but the principle of gratitude.  It's just another daily reminder that there are little and big things for which to be grateful each day.  For all of us.

My tulips and daffodils are peaking out of the ground. YAY!

There was this interesting giant rose that shot up out of our rose bush after Adam died.  I watched this rose bush intently as time went on, even took some pictures.  One giant red rose appeared in the middle, with 3 little red roses surrounding it.  It gave me much pause to stop and think during the months that followed Adam's death.  There was one smaller rose off to the side, smaller than the 3 roses.  The boys and I talked that daddy sent us these roses, that they "were us" in a sense.  At the end of the rose-season, I couldn't prune back these roses.  So they sat (probably really odd looking) dead in our front yard.  Over the weekend Spencer helped me prune.  It was time.  And I noticed new buds growing already--not flowers yet, but just greenery beginning to grow on the shoots.  It reminds me that a new season is upon us.  Change will continue.  Life will march on.  And so will I.  So will my boys.  I'm getting there.  Ready for change.  On a lot of different fronts.

I was also looking back on old blog comments.  Even though I read them all, somehow I'd blocked out of my mind some of the early posts.  It's interesting how things people say to me really don't bother me anymore.  I'm starting to "get" a lot of things that I didn't earlier on.  I'm not as hypersensitive.  I think I've gained perspective in terms of acceptance.  I guess it shows progress.  I'm chalking it up as "good" points for me.

I think the nature of Adam's death and of our life left me to have a delayed grief to some extent--things were/have been "business" for so long that it took me a while to get down to the nitty-gritty of it all.  Yes, I could spout off all the aspects of what exactly he meant to me and my boys and how his death affected us like no others can relate.  But it's taken a while to really "feel" it all.  Really feel it.  And I bawl a lot now, at really random moments sometimes.  And I'm not a cry baby by nature--never have been really.  So maybe that's good, maybe not.  Maybe not good or bad.  It just....IS.

But I still wear my wedding ring.  I like it.  I may always wear it.  I like diamonds.  And even if I wanted to switch it to my right hand as some widows do....my ring finger is smaller on my left than my right hand!:)  I suppose it's from 11 years of wearing a wedding ring, I have a permanent indentation.  It's interesting how widows and widowers can be so different in what things bother us, what things we just hold on to of our loved ones, and how we grieve.  It's all different. I'm glad to know that I'm not alone though, there are young widows who DO get how this feels.  While I wouldn't wish this upon anyone, I'm just glad there are others who do understand.

And lest you become widowed too...have you taken my advice in previous posts?  Be prepared.  Talk to your spouse.  Seriously.  It could happen to you too.  I suppose, it WILL happen to you (or your spouse) eventually.  Might as well chat now while you both have your teeth to do so, right?! :)