Anniversary #12

While some days are randomly more difficult than others, it certainly is the anniversaries that are the most difficult without Adam. Anniversary of his death, wedding anniversary, birthdays. They are all significant for different reasons. I suppose if any of these anniversaries is "good" it is our wedding anniversary, since it is the day that gives me promise that we will be together again. On the whole, it was a good day yesterday. Just waves of sadness mixed in, of course.

My wonderful friend took the boys for 6 whole hours so I could have some time to myself. It was SO appreciated. I started the day giving blood at our church blood drive. I have given blood here in Omaha as long as I can remember. Adam and I had a bet going about him giving blood. Lovely how he got out of that one--he readily admitted that he was scared of needles poking him. I think it was more that he was afraid of making a scene and passing out when he would sit in the chair and realize blood was draining from him. Oh well. He also used to laugh at my giving blood, saying that it is too bad I have a rare blood type since I don't mind giving blood. It would be much better if I had O neg. I used to think he was right until I took care of a patient who had my blood type and I was administering her blood transfusion. It was then that I realized that donations don't go to waste!

So I gave blood. And then I went to the temple and spent several hours there. All I will say about the temple is that I love it. I wish I could be there with all my friends and family daily. There is a peace that comes when we realize that all the day to day nonsense that we endure means nothing in the grand plan of our Heavenly Father, that all the other stuff is simply "stuff." Life really is only about knowing and loving the Savior, observing and keeping the commandments and our covenants. I love the temple. There is peace and strengh there that cannot be found elsewhere. While it will always be difficult to see the little old couples at the temple and think to myself that "that should've been us," in the grand scheme of things, I know it is ok. Our time together isn't over. He is just absent for a season in my life.

On the way home I picked up some PF Chang's to enjoy when kids were quiet. That was nice. A quiet meal without tantrums and not having to wolf a meal down before the next family disaster is always appreciated.

I just miss him. Plain and simple. I know I always will and that is hard. It is not like a papercut that heals. Time does not "heal all wounds." The wounds will always be there. I know that it will simply take a lot of scar tissue to dull the pain. A lifetime of scar tissue.