The How

"Life doesn't get easier, but blessings do come along that teach me how to do this life."

I read this comment from another widow tonight. It is interesting. I think I flip flop from thinking that the "how" makes sense, back to thinking that I don't know anything. And then I feel guilty (which is false logic) that I'm moping and not counting my blessings. I think this phrase sort of encompasses everything. No, it doesn't bring a solution for me necessarily. But it acknowledges that my life ISN'T going to get easier, while at the same time reminding me that my blessings ARE "THE HOW."

I think that's it. Instead of looking for some THING or some ONE to help whisk my life into what I envisioned for myself at this stage of life, it is about trying to shape my blessings into the HOW-TO MANUAL that I'm LOOKING FOR. DUH! Why did it take this long for me to make sense of it?!

Because I'm supposed to keep learning, that's why. Otherwise I wouldn't need to be here. I have more to learn.

It's almost comical, really. I mean Heavenly Father must think we're so silly sometimes. I sometimes can almost hear what Adam would say or feel what Adam is trying to convey. I can hear him calmly telling me to "smile" or "it's ok" or "be happy." It's funny how he used to tell me all those things--many of his phrases come to me at interestingly well placed moments in my day. Sometimes they are so well-placed that I tell him to shut up and I roll my eyes. And I tell him that it isn't THAT simple. Because it isn't. Yet it IS.

Adam was--and is--a person who was very matter of fact. He didn't like drama. He did, however, like to egg people on. I figured that out early in our relationship. So it was sort of funny that in the later years of our marriage, he chose to poke at others, get them riled up, just for "fun." He was particularly good at this with political discussions. He made people always think he was rooting for the opposite political party in which he supported. Ahh. He would have people so turned around that they didn't know what they had started out debating.

And that's why he married me. I was the only one that could dish out just as much as he tried to throw at me. He met his match.

I find myself daydreaming more. Of conversations we had, of plans never to be had. The boys love hearing stories about their dad daily and will ask me lots of questions. Carson loves to "smell daddy" and will randomly scrunch up his nose during the day and say "Smell. Daddy." He learned this from Spencer, who also asks for this on occasion. I often wonder just how much Adam realized the impact he made on our lives. Mine. On so many lives. Do we realize the impact we have on others? Not fully. It's impossible.

I try to think about ways to help the boys remember Adam. They love having his stocking up. It's just sort of friendly. As I was cleaning the other day, I realized that Mom Porter made his stocking with cross stitched bells. I couldn't help but think about the movie "It's a Wonderful Life" and think about a phrase near the end of the movie. It talks about every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings. While I don't personally believe that angels have wings, I think bells serve as a good reminder to me. A reminder of Adam, yes. But a reminder of how well I'm doing, how well am I living up to (or not...) what the Savior would want me to do...and if Adam would be pleased.

Every day we have decisions that we make that determine that whole "how well" issue, how we measure up. I readily admit that I daily have really bad moments that I yell and scream and get mad. Still. I ask Adam how I'm REALLY supposed to do this. And I ask Heavenly Father. And always the answer comes--even when I don't want to hear it--"the way will be prepared. There is a way."

It is through my blessings--the ones that I count daily, the ones my children hear me utter aloud daily in prayer, and those blessing that I don't even recognize--that I will do this. My blessings are "the how." Duh. It is just that simple.