Triggers

I think triggers are one of the trickiest parts of grieving. They come out of nowhere usually. Driving home from church today, a couple of ladies who we know and love were in a car crash. I stumbled on the crash minutes after it happened, the first ambulance whizzed past me and came upon the scene. It was the realization that if I hadn't been chatting with a friend and had her return the crock pot she had borrowed from me...that very easily could've been me and the boys. I wanted so much to stop, but I could hear Adam telling me to continue on--I could see 5 other people who I knew who were already stopped and caring for them. I knew they were already in good hands and I couldn't have done anything. Not to mention the boys. I listened to their prayers that they uttered aloud as we carefully drove around the scene to go home. I prayed too. And I had flashbacks. And so did Justin. He talked about "the scream"-- what he remembers most about our crash, or the thing that he has told himself he remembers. Ugh. Trauma is not good for anyone.

I think the holidays don't help much with triggers. People always talk about "this great time of year." I think those are fairly unreasonable expectations to have, I realize now. For many, this is NOT a happy time of year. We focus more on Christ's birth at this time of year, but knowing how these "happy holidays" aren't always so happy, it reminds me that Christ isn't the reason for the season--He is the reason for every single day of my life. It is only through the power of His redemption that I will have the opportunity to be with Him again, my Heavenly Father again, but also with my sweetheart, and all those I love. The boys and I talked about this last night as part of their daddy story. We talked about the fact that we understand daily why Christ's resurrection is so important to us individually--because one of our loved ones whom we want to be with forever is on the other side, and that we can only get there with His help.

It is this reason that this Christmas is going to be a very different one for our family. I want my boys to feel more about what Christmas really feels like---what the love of Christ affords us each and every day.

And I'm trying to avoid as many triggers as possible. It is tough. How I miss my sweetie.