Happy 35th, Sweetheart

My Dear Adam,

If I could hold you today, I know you'd be irritated with what today "officially" would mean--mid 30s. You never wanted to be in your mid-thirties. I laughed when you turned 33 because you somehow thought that was "mid." My dear, you got your wish on the numbers thing. And no, you never lost your hair or got gray. I have a feeling I will resent that fact a bit as I age! If only I could be with you.

Your birthday is difficult for me. As I lie down to sleep tonight, I am thinking about all the traditions that we had together on your birthday. Traditions drive me nuts! While I'm grateful for each and every moment we shared together, the traditions that we can no longer share are still...just tough. I hate that. But I'm grateful for them. Dang, I wish you were here beside me.

I did some things for me this weekend. Sort of a strange way of looking at a "widowed conference" when the reason I'm there is because of you being gone. For the second year in a row, it fell on your birthday. I didn't like this but I know it was a way to help me commune with the Lord, with you, and with myself. I can't believe how far I've come in a year. It is amazing what a year makes. I'm out of "the fog" (which, being from Fresno actually means something to us who really lived in actual fog regularly!) and ready to accept reality. This weekend gave me clarity that I was missing. I love when those obvious promptings start to make sense.

I seriously feel like it's been a lifetime since you've been gone. But I'm grateful for God's promises and I will do anything I can to be with you again. I know you are working hard for me and the boys, and I will continue to do the same for you.

Love you honey. Come visit me in my dreams. Blowing lots of kisses your way....MAMS