Two Years Old

My baby is two. Crazy. I reflected on the happenings of two years ago. The thing I remember the most today is the way Adam wiped the tears from my cheek while I lay there strapped to a surgical table, after Carson was born. I remember how he held my hand through it all. I remember how he tried to keep me calm when things weren't going right and they were whisking Carson away to the NICU. I remember HIM. It is interesting how present he was to me that day. I didn't get to hold Carson for several hours after he was born because of his lung issues. I remember sitting in a quiet, dark recovery room and being able to be with just Adam. I can close my eyes and take myself back to that point. I remember him kissing me as he left to go check up on Carson. I needed him with me that day.

I was really interested to hear Spencer today. He brought up interesting comments that I was totally not prepared for. During the day he brought up Justin going to the fire station with scouts--an activity that had happened (while I was at work) not very many weeks before Adam passed away. I asked him where that thought came from and he told me that he was trying to remember things about Daddy. He remembered so much today. And then at bedtime. The things he said during our "daddy story time" were the most heartbreaking things I've heard from him in a long time. He told me all about Adam in has casket, in the Relief Society room, right before the funeral--the only "viewing" of sorts that we had with our family. Spencer gave me such detailed information, it was strange. I mean, on the day of the funeral, he was still drugged up and he wasn't really understanding what was going on--so I thought. After listening to him tonight, I had two thoughts--one was of anger, being told by SO MANY PEOPLE that Spencer would simply "forget" all of these memories because he was so young. I haven't brought this up EVER to him, so it is obvious he knows and keeps a lot in his head. He told me specifics about how Adam looked, as he remembered him "laying on the table with his eyes closed." He told me how he worried about Adam not breathing, but then talked about Adam being buried and worrying about him breathing. It is so logical, and interesting that a now 4 year old would have these thoughts. We had a long chat about this. I sort of worried about him thinking these things right before bed. We'll see how his night goes.

But what I've concluded. Days like today--another "family milestone"--I think Adam is closer on days like today. And maybe with that closeness brings back memories--good and bad--and so that somehow is supposed to comfort us to an extent, even though it sometimes brings out more sad than happy.

Carson loved his birthday. When he woke up and I told him it was his birthday today, he started jumping up and down in his crib, talking about birthday balloons, cake, presents, and then (showing how much my children are creatures of habit in their morning routines) asked for a shower. All day Carson talked about presents and birthday balloons. It was pretty funny. He has become obsessed with my vacuums in the house, so I bought him a little toy vacuum. It was very fitting. He calls them "vaccuuuts" though, which I love. I think it is funny how he adds a T to certain words. He's such a great kiddo. I took him to his 2 year old check up today and he was really funny, telling me his feet were cold and how he wanted his socks back on when he was ready for his physical checkup. Silly kiddo. While he has become SO busy and such a climber, I realize how much I love this stage...even though it is embarking on the "terrible twos" and the tantrums that ensue. It doesn't help that he has two big brothers of whom to emulate such tantrums. If only tantrums started and ended at the age of two. Of course, then I wouldn't be able to throw tantrums. Hmm. If only there weren't a need for my tantrums.

There are moments that I know Adam is near. Some of my widow friends talk about "signs" and stuff. I don't really like to look at it like that, mostly because the scriptures talk about it not being good to be a sign-seeking people. But there is no denying that there are moments when I just go, "YES. That is him"--or Heavenly Father is somehow showing me something. Last night when we came home from being gone for the evening, I ushered the kids upstairs to go get their pjs on. All of sudden the tv flipped on. I had just muttered something to Adam like, "Seriously, there must be a way you can still help me in SOME way from the other side. SERIOUSLY! So how do I determine how to help you help me...hmm." At that very moment, the tv turned on (mind you, no kids were around and I could see the controller just sitting on the couch where no one had touched it). Spongebob Squarepants was on and at that exact moment said the letters "K-I-S-S-I-N-G." I started laughing. It was so weird, and yet fitting. If only he could kiss me from beyond. I'm sure he misses that. I do.

But even more important to me are the moments that I don't really tell anyone because they are too personal, too sacred in nature to tell other people. All I can say is that they make me know very real things. The principles of the gospel are real. The priesthood power of God is real, is on the earth today, and I can't deny what I have felt. It is the same power that Jesus Christ and His apostles had on the earth and it is real. Miracles have not ceased. They occur daily in the lives of all people who take the time to recognize them. I will always feel blessed that I have daily reminders of three little miracles--three pieces of my and Adam's love. They are my three witnesses of the reality of the love of our Heavenly Father for each of us individually. There's a reason that I have three witnesses--I need them, all three.