Just a Wednesday

I find some days are simply ridiculous to try to find joy. I know--more than any point in my life--that Satan is working as hard as he possibly can to tear me down right now because in so many ways I am at rock bottom. Even though I can acknowledge it, it doesn't lessen the burden I feel right now.

It doesn't help that Carson NEVER wants me to pick him up when I send him to childcare with my friends, whether it be when I'm at work, or just completing business where he needs a sitter. I think that hit me way too hard today. It was the final straw in my day, that he would cry and throw a tantrum about not wanting to go home with me. Enough. I'm so tired of mothering and breaking up fights.

Justin's 5th grade teacher happened to catch all three boys wrestling in the 10 minutes we were in her room for parent/teacher conferences yesterday. It was great. The second parent/teacher conference with Spencer's teacher was worse as the kids tore her room apart in 2 minutes flat. Nightmare.

I want to quit work, but know that would be a very foolish decision. I don't have the luxury of trying to pinch pennies while a husband provides for our family. I have to work, my kids (and I) have to have health insurance, and I need other insurance and planning for a future...my own, and my boys' future. I hate that I have to be responsible.

That said, I know what I need to do. I'm praying it all comes together quickly and "easily." Easy is a dumb thing to pray for...since life is NOT easy for anyone. But I just need something to go right. My brain really can't stand much more stress.

In between gathering paperwork for this next step in my life, I had to take a break tonight. I knew that I'd already almost finished photocopying all the papers necessary, but I just couldn't bear to do it any longer. I think this same mentality is the case for every bit of cleaning and organizing in my house. I just can't sit and focus. Too much pressure, and too much aloneness goes through my head. I watched part of Happy Gilmore, had to laugh at the part where Adam Sandler (Ha. It just occurred to me. No wonder Adam liked him....They share a first name. Figures.) whacks a golf ball through a window, hits a guy in the head, and then hits a woman in an upstairs window in the head with a ball and she falls out the window. I needed that laugh. It felt great. Then I finished my paperwork task. Yay. Hopefully I can turn it all in tomorrow. Whew.

Now I'm on to my next task. Spencer asked exactly a month ago when I was going to blow up balloons for Valentine's Day so we could have our balloon popping party. He was very worried that since I'm now working that there would be no way for him to come home from school with balloons scattered everywhere. So I will alter our tradition slightly. But balloons there will be. All three are *FINALLY* asleep. I'm off to blow up a hundred or so red, pink, and white balloons. Cross your fingers that I don't pass out in the process!