The Difference

"The difference between who you are and who you want to be is what you DO. And what you have to do to get where you want to be may not be pretty or may not come easy."

I saw this quote tonight and decided it rings true. Every day my mom hears me comment on my life. And whine. And everyday I have a new solution--usually a non-solution. And everytime (lately) she has been saying, "Well, I'm glad you have things all figured out. I'm glad you've made some decisions." And everyday I laugh at her sincerity...and sarcasm. ARGH.

What I WANT (this week):

1. To stay home with Carson until he goes to kindergarten, but not worry about how to get health insurance. (Won't happen)
2. To somehow handle getting my house ready to sell and getting the perfect house that will work for our family (In the works. Might happen. I have a very teeny bit of faith in this happening).
3. To have an easy life. (WON'T happen. That needs to be underlined because I need to stop dreaming for such impossible nonsense.)
4. To be successful at a DNP/NP program (Could happen. Maybe. If I stop my intense self-doubt).
5. To lose weight. To run. (Not sure I have what it takes to make this happen. Namely, the supportive husband that gave me a reason to try. It sounds ridiculously dependent, but I felt so much more purposeful as a human being with him by my side. Sigh.).

Basically, I don't have faith that what I want can actually happen. Maybe it can't. I'm working on training my brain, but I feel a bit like I'm creating more self-doubt as time goes on. Not sure how to fix that. That's where I am today.