It's Official

Since Justin was 1 1/2 we've had him involved with the special education program through his school district.  Adam and I noticed early on that things weren't quite "right" with him--he was delayed in speech, had difficulty with certain fine and gross motor skills, didn't exactly interact with other kids in the same manner that other kids did...and the list goes on and on.  He's been diagnosed through the school system as different things since he was 18 months--speech delayed, developmentally delayed, and having an autism spectrum disorder.  We have dealt with all of his issues through the years and been able to figure out how to deal with them to some extent, or at least have figured out which battles are worth fighting over.  After waiting over 6 months on a waiting list to get him evaluated by an autism specialist, we finally got him seen this week.  And they finally medically diagnosed him with what we already knew, what is on the books as a school diagnosis:  Asperger's Syndrome.  Some people call this "high functioning autism."  There are great variances in this syndrome in terms of how noticeable or how severe one presents with this syndrome.  Thankfully over time, Justin has coped fairly well (and so have we).  He is finally understanding that it's important to have friends, to be a friend and that sort of thing.  But it's interesting that once one problem seems to subside, another pops up in its place.  That's tough.  But I'll figure it out.  It's just frustrating not to be able to say "we'll" figure it out...referring to Adam.  I can only imagine the journey that I'm about to take by myself.

Last night I chatted for a few minutes with someone who I'll refer to as Grandma P.  I've called her "Grandma" for a long time, mainly because her daughter-in-law used to live in our ward (she had the same last name) and it was a way to differentiate which "P" I was referring to.  Anyway, early on after Adam's death she told me that she had lost her husband when she was young.  I took that information and set it aside in my head, knowing that someday we'd be able to talk about it.  We had a brief talk and I learned a lot about this woman--she changed the way I think of "those little old ladies at church" and how we just never know what shoes someone else has been walking in.

Grandma P told me that her husband died when she was 34.  She had two children, her daughter turned 9 two days after she buried her husband.  Wow.  I was fairly shocked, particularly at the parallels.  Grandma P is in her late 80s.  She's a funny bird.  I've always liked her and for whatever reason she always liked us, my boys, and particularly Adam.  I asked her if she had to go right to work after her husband died and she said yes.  I asked if she ever remarried and she said no.  She mentioned a fact that I've already learned:  "People will try to tell you that they've walked in your shoes or they know how you feel, but they don't.  I don't.  I may have had a very similar experience, but even I don't know how you feel."  How right she is.  And I couldn't help but feel as though I were looking in a mirror, peering on what may be my life over the next (more than) 50 years.  I mean HOLY COW.  ANOTHER 50+ YEARS!!!!??????!!!!!!  I'm very much shouting in my head!!!!!  I've thought recently about the long road ahead, but seeing her makes it VERY VERY VERY REAL.  I don't want to be alone for another 50 years.  But I HATE HATE HATE the thought of dating again, but even more than that, I HATE HATE HATE the thought of trying to make sure my little boys are taken care of just as Adam would want--with someone Adam would approve of.  I know he doesn't want us alone.  It makes me laugh that he approved of 3 people for me to remarry in our death discussion the day or two before the accident.  One of whom was George Clooney.  Haha.  Yeah.  I told him he could have Faith Hill and Halle Berry and we laughed.  Oh Adam, how I miss our Friday nights.....It'll be a long time before I can sort all this out, oh how I just hate it all.  I wish there were some bright light in all of this.  But there isn't.

Well, I can't completely say that.  My days are still brightened by the simple kindness of others.  I'm still amazed that we haven't been forgotten, even after 4 months have gone by.  We received a sweet (and tasty) package of some things by a kind secret someone today.  I'm still so very humbled that others are so willing to give of themselves.  Because I know how exhausting service can be, truly.  So I'm very grateful.  Grateful for Shannon today to come play with the little boys so I could go pick out some books for the boys for Christmas.  Grateful for Kasie and Heather and Jeralyn yesterday for making it so I could go down to Lincoln to meet the governor, various MADD directors/people, the Douglas County prosecutor, and the Sarpy County Lt. who dispatched his sheriff to the scene of the crash and was also there.  He offered such kind things to our family.  I feel very blessed to live in this great city with such kind people.

I just wish Adam were with us.  We miss him.  I miss his warm snuggles.  Especially on another (soon to be) snowy night.  Ahh.  I guess I'll just have to heat up a rice bag and put it on my bed to warm my toes.  Adam would be better, but the rice bag will have to do.