I need a punching bag. No joke. I really do.
Did I mention how much I'm coming to despise the mail? I am. Two main complaints about it. First, I'm SO SO SO sick of all the stuff I get addressed to Adam Smith, MD. He hated HATED HATED to be identified as a doctor. He liked keeping it top secret information. He liked people hearing that he worked in radiology and thinking he was a tech instead of a doctor--it matches his sense of humor, smirky Adam knowing that people thought he only did two years of college instead of almost 14. I remember hearing his response one time when someone asked what he "did" for a living and he said, "I work in radiology." The other person said, "Oh, like you take xrays?" and Adam said, "Yeah...something like that." Haha. Not even close! But it was his own secret joke that he liked. I was, of course, proud of his hard work--but he didn't like the fact that certain people thought of him on a different pedestal, those who didn't "really" know him and only admired his doctoring abilities. I think he would've liked his mail addressed to Adam Smith, Slip N Slider Extraordinaire or maybe Adam Smith, #1 Hiking Fisherman. Or maybe Adam Smith, Melissa's First True Love. Yep. I like the last one best, and so did he. Darn the mail. But not the mailman (he even sent me a sympathy card and I'd never met the man--so sweet)--but just the mail in general.
The other prominent thing I get in the mail are annoying bills with big time messed up insurance nonsense. Adam had no patience for this stuff (he always wanted to do away with insurance altogether in "his health plan") and I dealt with all our financial affairs. This is the one time I think he should be permitted to come down and do some punching of his own. And not on a punching bag--but on a few heads. Maybe more than a few....Ugh. Justin's therapist told me this week that he told her that he thinks "the man should die." I'm glad he's telling her what he really thinks, it's good for him to let it out.
Thanks to Jeralyn for watching my kiddos today so I could go to the temple. I wish I were the little 90 year old osteoporotic lady who was there today, a bit closer to seeing my dear husband again--but I'm not. Ugh. Hopefully someday I'll be at peace when I go to the temple and I will find comfort there. For now it's just tough. I've taken to plotting out how many tissues I can use and that is how long I stay in a particular room there. When I've bawled such that those 4 tissues are gone, so am I. So. Difficult. But I have faith and I figure that going to the temple is like paying tithing--someday it will bless me and I'll feel the blessings associated with being obedient. I'm counting on it.
I can't believe it's been almost 4 months. Seriously, it still feels like yesterday.
2 comments:
Remember when I told you the other day that you do more good every day than you know? Well, here's an example. Your insights, testimony, and courage are beyond amazing. And you have made me laugh out loud with your last few posts about Dr. Slip 'n' slide and his awesome personality. :) I love it! Maybe you should challenge Justin to a boxing match on the Wii . . . and put certain faces on the characters as you punch :). Hugs to you! xo
Your comment about wishing you were that old lady, closer to seeing Adam, I wrote almost the exact line in my journal a couple months after Ryan passed. I wrote it on my 23rd birthday, heavily wishing I was turning 83 not 23, because then I would be closer to seeing my baby. I also said that I wished I was the one in the grave, with Ryan looking down on my grave, not the other way around, the "natural" way it should be, the circle of life. Anyway, just thought you should know you're not alone, ever. The temple was my anchor, I couldn't have made it through that first dark year without it. I recently spoke in church about that, how I used to wish I could just live there and never leave, because I knew Ryan was nearest to me there, and I felt him closer there, because the temple is where heaven and earth meet.
Love you! Expect a little surprise from my mom and me in the next couple weeks :)
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