Companions

I think the worst thing about not being married anymore is the lack of companionship. I would say being lonely is part of that, but it is such a small piece of the whole picture.

I really don't have that hope that this is all a bad dream anymore. I've accepted this reality. But the hatred I have for this reality comes up and smacks me somedays.

Speaking of getting hit...all the boys were playing in the backyard yesterday. Our backyard is sort of a less than ideal place for playing, but they love being outdoors anyway. Spencer would probably swing all day if I let him, especially if he didn't have a little brother from whom needs to be kept away from his path. Unfortunately, Carson got hit by his swing yesterday. I knew it would happen eventually and as much as I tried to tell the boys to watch out for him, it happened anyway. Ugh. Bleeding head, giant goose egg on the back of Carson. Ugh. It was in that moment that I wished I had Adam--or someone--to share his wound with, to have someone else to cringe and feel bad for my baby.

While yes, I do get mad about money and medical school and all the trivial things about life that inevitably we seem to focus on in marriage, what it gets right down to is the bigger, more important stuff. It is really about companionship--being able to share a life with someone. Having someone who you've chosen to be with, who you enjoy spending time with, who excites you, who you find attractive, who motivates you, who you have goals with, who you want to be with. Marriage isn't about being roommates, simply coexisting in a household (although I've seen many a marriage that has become only this, which is sad). Marriage is about all the little things that bind us together as spouses. It is about bring companions.

This quote from the late prophet Gordon B. Hinckley hangs just inside my front door: "The trick, my brethren and sisters, is to enjoy the journey, traveling hand in hand, in sunshine and storm, as companions who love one another." It's an interesting quote. I think Adam and I learned to do this--more then I ever imagined when we married at my young age of 19 and when when we received this quote as part of a wedding gift. But now, I'm without a companion. My earthly companion.

Which leads me to the magic question. What now? So let's be optimistic (or...pessimistic). Let's say that I have another 60 years to live...I figure modern medicine could keep me around that long. Great (Yes, note the sarcasm.). So am I sentenced to live the next 60 years alone? That said, I should note some of the comments I get..."Don't you feel Adam with you?" I will respond. Yes. I do. But I don't. I don't tangibly feel him, there is no magic communication that I'm permitted to have with him, the DIVIDE IS HUGE. It is painful. While I don't like it one bit, I believe it is purposeful. If he were here hovering around telling me what to do and he had no body to help out--well, that would just be frustrating and maddening. Plus, I don't think I would be able to get on with my life, I would be stuck.

And today. I am not stuck. I have been thinking new thoughts. Progress. I have goals...of which I will be listing in a future post. It's funny. I've written a goal list post several times and can never post it. I guess that was the part of me that was stuck. SO. MY LIFE ISN'T OVER. I have a body. It has purpose. Each part functions for a purpose. I have purpose. I don't believe I'm sentenced to a life of nonsense while Adam is free of pain and in spirit paradise. That would not make sense. I miss my companion. I need a companion. With this explanation as a preface, I will finally post my goal list...later today.