Neutral

I think lately all I've wanted to feel is neutral. Not angry, not sad, not overly happy...but just neutral. Today that's how I've felt, for which I'm so grateful. I think sometimes I have overly optimistic expectations. I'm not delusional-- Adam isn't coming back. Nor is Adam going to drop a nice man for me on my doorstep. Nor can all my grief be dealt with in any sort of logical manner or logical timeframe. I still hate all of these facts."Praise approximations." I used to use this phrase (when appropriate) when charting on my oncology floor at the hospital. But I sometimes think this thought on a different level after what I've experienced. In order to sort my thoughts and behavior I have to praise my own approximations I suppose.

I visited my work today. I think it has been a couple months since I've been there. Months back, I thought I was ready to start picking up hours, and then I hit a wall. I think my sweet friends and coworkers thought I'd fallen off the planet. It was nice to see familiar faces and chat with them today. But today I realized my wisdom in not going back to work. Seeing people in green scrubs wandering the hospital took my breath away. Literally. It seemed so dumb that it bugged me, but it did. The last time I saw Adam alive he was wearing scrub pants. His legs in those pants are tangible to me--exactly how he wore them, exactly how low around his waist he used to wear them. I can feel what he felt like in those scrubs. It is painful for me to think about too long because so many of my memories--good and bad--revolved around those scrubs. And for right now, this is one of the reasons I can't go back to work yet. But oh, how I miss my coworkers, hearing of their lives and hobbies.

I went to a school party for Justin today. It was simply awesome, so creative and so fun. And thanks to Shannon, I now know that Taco John's has churros....yum. Churros have always been one of those Disneyland or county fair-once-a-year type treats....oh, so bad to know that I can go through a drive through to get one of those. Mmm.

So grateful for the two sets of friends who babysat today, and for sweet treats left at my door tonight. I guess the good, sweet acts of kindness makes the bad bearable. I have so many people in my life for whom to be thankful. Counting my many blessings tonight, naming them one by one.