ASCO Review

I understand why the first year of widowhood is so tough and many widows and widowers sigh and reflect on their first year when I am asked how long it has been--when I have to reply, "under a year." So many "firsts" that are simply...tough. A year ago today I went to last year's Midwest ASCO (American Society of Clinical Oncology) Review. Just like today. I have attended this conference for my entire nursing career, sat with the same women, ate the same breakfast foods there, listened to the same physicians who come from all over the country and are some of the best oncologists. One particular physician brings his son every year and they attend the College World Series together, father and son. I always imagined Adam taking our boys on conferences, and as I watched this physician's son sit in the back of the room with ear buds in his ears watching movies on his iPad, I was reminded that this physician (father) son activity will never happen for my little boys. I hate when I have these kinds of realizations. Adam always watched the boys for me when I've attended these conferences in the past. I remember tugging along my breast pump so I could attend last year's conference with baby Carson left alone with Adam for one of the first times for such a long stretch. I have these flashbacks. And then I realize again how life will--and continues to--never be the same. I hate that.

I went through Adam's closet last night, with a sweet friend. She helped me carefully fold and box up all his clothes. It was time, I was finally ready. We didn't throw out much, but did do a lot of organizing. It was fun to find a few things I had forgotten about. I got a little teary when I found the shirt that Adam had worn to my friend's husband's surprise birthday party last summer. The really ugly tie-dyed shirt that I made him wear to their theme party. I remember that night so vividly, we had such a good time. I think at that point we hadn't had very many dates since Carson's birth. Getting a sitter to watch a newborn and 2 other busy boys just didn't feel right very often. I now wish we had had more dates, more often. Weekly, without fail. But dwelling on this thought doesn't allow me to heal, and I have to get them out. It is what it is.

The legal proceedings proceeded this week. I will be glad to have it all behind me and I feel things starting to come together in my mind for and about "him." I'm glad that I am not in the legal field, that I have nothing to do with sentencing and decision making. I think the most enlightening thing I heard related to things legal was the discussion of the constitution by the judge to the defendant. I am grateful for our founding fathers of the U.S. and the protection we all enjoy in and through the constitution. It is remarkable.

Tomorrow is Father's Day. The boys and I will not be having a typical Sunday--or Father's Day, for that matter. I think God and Adam understand, and I fully support and justify our non-Sunday Sunday tomorrow. Still not totally sure what we'll be doing, but it won't be about things that we can no longer do since Adam is gone.....it'll be about what we can do. And my and Adam's dad hopefully understand our lack of celebration for them. We'll have to make it up for them on another day. Maybe Grandpa's Day. Maybe. I have come to hate holidays and the many traditions we make concerning all of them. None make sense when love ones pass away and I think, why do we put ourselves through this kind of torture? Do the good holidays outweigh the bad? Hopefully.