Jealous

It's dumb, but some days that's just how I feel. Very very jealous. I find myself dwelling in the "what would've been" and then I feel guilty about that. I hear this is healthy though, that this is part of grieving all the elements involved. I was out mowing the lawn (yes, AND using the weedwhacker today--I was very unimpressed with the weedwhacker's abilities, I need to figure out what I'm doing wrong!) and doing fine. But I was reminded by seeing a couple of my manly neighbors while I was a sweaty mess that "this isn't MY job." They didn't say those words--but I thought them and think that on some level they are true. It's so dumb because now it's ALL my job. Mine. But I still haven't accepted some of it--yard work, and taking out the trash are still not part of my being. I hate them both thoroughly. Well, yard work isn't ALL that bad--but I chose the hottest day of the year to work on it...yes, it was a dumb move on my part I suppose. But I've learned that I have to do things when the children are occupied, and I had to jump at the chance this morning.

And then I hear of so-in-so and so-in-so and their lovely lives moving on and I do (ashamedly admit) that I wish I had their lives. I "thought" I was suppose to get married, have babies, and live happily ever after. That's what every girl hopes for, right? And while a select few have figured out their happily ever after, I guess I keep wondering where mine is. I tell myself that happily ever after is for me to decide, you know--sort of a pep talk. But I'd rather have someone else in my life make that happen for me. To support me, the boys, to enjoy life with. It was "supposed" to be Adam. And yet it just won't be. Our time on earth is over. We had our run of fun. That's tough. I hate it. So yes. I'm jealous of many today. I hate being the minority--the unmarried, single mother of 3. At least, in my circle of friends, it IS the minority.

I'm off to BBQ myself a steak. By my lonesome self. I decided I'm having a "me" date tonight when I put the kids to bed in a bit. How I miss dates. Real dates.