Inner Debate

While driving Justin to summer school this morning, I started trying to organize my thoughts concerning Omaha. While this list has been helpful (especially while I can add to it over the next set of months or so), the problem is that each of these pros/cons are weighted such that nothing is "even" per se. So (again) NO EASY ANSWERS IN MY LIFE. For today's organizational purposes:

Staying in Omaha Pros:
Schools are excellent
Cheap cost of living
Excellent healthcare/doctors and specialists
Job security (to some extent)
Excellent higher education schools (if/when for me)
Excellent colleges for the boys (and priced well--esp. if I go work for one of them...)
The people of Omaha
Having seasons
Friends

Staying in Omaha Cons:
Winter
Lack of remarrying possibilities
No backyard swimming pool
Family elsewhere
Friends who (will) move away

The big questions: 1) What do I want with my life? 2) Where (what & when) do the boys need to be to learn to be successful, educated, happy, healthy citizens?

I've known that while my life right now is about my boys, my life as a whole is NOT about my boys. People make choices for all sorts of reasons, many times citing their children as their reasons for their choices. I've seen this as reasons people (who should) don't divorce. I've seen this as reasons people "think" they are doing their children a favor or somehow helping them. Yet I am well aware that if I don't take care of myself, I have no business trying to take care of my boys too--there just isn't enough energy in my body to take care of others if I am not cared for first, however selfish it sounds (because it is TRUTH). So. I still don't know how this translates. Would Adam want the boys to have a daddy, a consistent person in their lives to be around them? Yes. Would Adam want someone to take care of me? Yes. Would he want me to be able to have a husband to take care of? Yes. These answers I know. Yet I don't know quite how to go about things. WHAT DO I WANT? I have a lot of opinions (really? Nah, no one thinks that about me!:)) about life. And, while I love that we each have the ability to choose our paths, I'm frustrated because I have so many decisions to make and none are easy--and no decision ensures success (for any/all of us). It's like, if there were ONE easy decision then maybe it would help. Seriously, all these questions are the questions that I need Adam's assistance in making. And maybe (hopefully) in some way he will be able to help guide me in making some of these decisions. But not being able to talk it all out is NOT helpful. AT. ALL.

I have investigated different places across the country, trying to figure out what is best for us. I've looked at lots of homes online, foreclosures, etc. And I don't know yet. If my goal is to remarry (while I'm younger in age, while the boys are at home) then the likely place I will "need" to move is UT to try to find a young widower. It's really about statistics in this regard. If my goal is to be near my parents for their help and support, well, then right now that is in IL. If I want to be near my relatives who all have little ones somewhat near in age to my boys, then I go to CA. If I follow what Adam and I "would've" done, I move to TX and hope that my parents and siblings will follow us--as we had planned. As a nurse, there are no "easy" answers. I can go pretty much where ever, which is nice...to a degree. Again, I just keep looking for that easy answer that doesn't exist. There is no easy button.

But then, as I've been told (and how my gut still believes) my answer will probably come when and where I'm least expecting it. And so. I stay. In Omaha. For now. For another year. Or maybe forever. We shall see. For now it is right. I just wish I weren't such a planner...my life is fairly impossible to plan at this point. ARGH!