"The" Post

Yep.  I'm going to do it.  I'm going to post "that" one that I'm sure some have been holding their breath, wondering if I would ever discuss.  I'm going to be careful in how I post this...but yes, I'm going to do it.  And no, I'm not talking about a cussing-hate-filled post.  Those I type up and save and don't click "publish" just...because.  It's the "other" un-discussable post that I'm going to discuss.

Here goes.  I'll start off slowly.  But this WILL be long.  Maybe too long.  But needed for me to well...vent.

Today is a weird anniversary for me.  Our lives are filled with weird anniversaries, it seems.  Thirteen years ago to be exact.  Thirteen years ago marked the beginning of a new era for me.  Before January 17, 1998, I got what I wanted.  Ok, that's not quite right.  That makes me sound like a spoiled brat (I don't think I was.).  Ok, before this date 13 years ago, I thought that I had some control in my life.  It was on this day that my mom came in one of my siblings' rooms that I was sleeping in, taking an afternoon nap, and told me that "the letter" had arrived.  I had waited for this letter since Thanksgiving and I was glad it finally arrived--I had looked for it every day since.  EVERY. DAY.  I opened up this letter to find that the college--the only college--I had applied to (BYU) had NOT accepted me.  I didn't think I read it right.  I was very confused.  And VERY upset, and sad.  ALL my friends (just about anyway) had been accepted and were going away to college.  And this meant only one thing, that I would be staying in Fresno.

I tried to find meaning in this.  I figured God had a plan, that it made sense logically to go to the local community college and pay only $12 a unit for all my general ed and then transfer somewhere--that anywhere would accept those units earned.  I made sense of it.  I participated in institute, I made new friends, and--I found Adam.

I figured that Adam was the reason.  I like fairytale stories--you know, happy endings.  So I met Adam, knew he was around, I dated others--but not seriously.  I always knew pretty much right off if guys were "keepers" for me or not on about the first date.  Adam asked me out (so he always claimed, my memory of this is "fuzzy") and after some time and coaxing, finally went out with him months later.  I remember the negotiated date, with his friend John verifying that I always made an excuse that I had other plans when he'd asked me on a date.  This time I had John there listening to our date plans, and I was cornered--with no excuses but to go on the date!  We went to the temple groundbreaking for the Fresno Temple as our first date.  Due to the number of people there, we parked at my house and walked over, since I lived so close.  It was a special day, moments that I won't forget.  Then we went back to my house, changed from our church clothes and went to Fresno State to play pool.  It is here that I should mention: Adam was a good liar.  He told me that he hadn't ever played before, and "let" me win with my good slop playing skills.  HA!  We then went to the institute (I don't totally remember why, other than that Adam had a key...) and ran into Scott Hawkins who was there studying (Scott later became our neighbor in El Cortez apartments, where we lived after we got married).  Scott said something to Adam like, "Isn't this a different girl than last night" to which Adam was ROYALLY embarrassed.  I didn't think much of it since it was a first date, it wasn't anything that bothered me that he had been out with another girl the night before.  But it bothered him (for my own record keeping purposes, it was Sommer Dieterle--can't remember how to spell her name--that he had gone out with the night before).  I think we must've eaten something somewhere for dinner, but I don't remember.  Funny what our memories do and don't remember.

But that is history.  He never went on another date with anyone but me.  We started dating in March.  Got engaged in July, and got married in December.  And here goes the bombshell.  Adam was my first kiss.  Yes, that's right.  The ONLY man I've kissed.

Which brings me to the subject at hand.  Sort of.

How much anger do you think I have that the one man--the ONLY man--that I've kissed was taken from me?  Yes, a lot is an understatement.  I have been robbed.  So I say he's the only one I've kissed.  You can put two and two together.  We have 3 kids.  And the stork doesn't just deliver babies to our doorstep.  Again, I'll repeat.  How angry am I?  Very.

I can't possibly put into words how completely depriving it is to be devoid of touch, or intimacy, of "that" aspect of marriage.  It is one of the reasons I believe people marry (or SHOULD marry)--to have that type of closeness with another that can only be felt in marriage.  That bond.  And it was dashed from me.  From us.

Yes, most focus on all the busy-ness of my now being a single mom and how hard that is and blah blah blah.  Yes it's tough, and it will get more tough when I have to juggle all that I juggle along with a full-time job.  But I can't begin to describe how completely, utterly devastating it is to lose your husband, to lose his touch, the comfort in his arms, his love.  There just are NO words.

And I switch from angry cursing to sobbing all of the time about this subject.  That's the only way to describe the devastation.  The car (if/when I'm alone) for cussing, the shower (when I'm without kids in there) for bawling.

And I do believe THAT is one of the reasons widows and widowers get so, hmm, frustrated with the general population trying to compare the loss of a parent or child with that of a spouse.  There is a very different type of bond between spouses--that is unlike any other.  Science has shown that it's actually a chemical bond that links us mentally with our spouses--intimacy brings about this chemical connection.  Makes sense to me.  I suppose that is also why spouses who are cheated on feel utterly devastated--that chemical bond is broken for them too.  While I will still contend that divorce is VERY different from being widowed, I'm starting to understand where some of my cheated-on-divorced friends are coming from with their feeling like they are "in my shoes"--even though they aren't.

That is why when people ask how I'm doing....Well.  I actually have made big progress in this area.  I know I've made people tiptoe around me with my comments before about the whole "How are you" question.  That question doesn't really bother me anymore (there's progress for sure) and it's fairly easy for me to roll the "ok" answer off my tongue.  HOWEVER.  This is the new description I give for how I'm doing when someone wants a "real" in depth answer of "how I'm doing":

I tell them it's like I've been shot with a canon.  AND that my arms and legs have been cut off.  AND my eyes poked out.

I remember watching a movie when I was in 8th grade at a friend's birthday party (I don't know how appropriate this movie was to be watching, I don't even remember much about it) called "Death Becomes Her" (I think it's with Goldie Hawn, and maybe the chick from Cheers?).  I think the point of the movie is that they get obsessed with plastic surgery or something and they drink some sort of potion so that they live forever.  And all the stuff they do to themselves, they like fall apart and their faces peel off or something?  Well, all I know is that one of them shoots a canon at the other (the only scene I remember from the movie) and she has this GIANT hole in her abdomen.  THAT is how I feel.  I also feel like my arms and legs were cut off because Adam was my other set of hands and feet in terms of accomplishing tasks.  He was also my other set of eyes, and it's really hard to be without these necessary body parts.

But I miss his body.  I miss everything about him.  The good, bad, and the ugly.  Yes, there were all those times in our marriage, and I would do all the bad, terrible, ugly times over again if I could just have him back.

Yes, it's about sex.  It is.  In part.  I can't believe that another human being could actually take THAT aspect of my life away, I didn't think it was possible!  It....well....I've promised myself that the cussing blogs will stay private.  It angers me, it saddens me.  All of it.  Constant daily reminders of what has been taken from my life.  And I'm not sure how people get over that.  It thoroughly disturbs my head.

So many times I have tried to sit and write out what I will say to the court one day, indirectly to the defendant.  Can I say--"You took our intimate life away," No.  Not likely.

But, I sure wish we were living the law of Moses, you know, eye for an eye.  Because certainly, he would....well, he'd be sad.  For sure.  If only.  Eye for eye.  Or something like that.