Camping and Football

I took the boys camping last night. Things I'd never done before by myself: packed an entire car and planned for a camping trip, set up a tent, inflated our air matress, lit a propane lantern, fed three kids camping style, and stayed in a tent with all my children and without Adam. I think the strangest thing was when I unrolled my lone sleeping bag and placed it on my air mattress. It looked oddly out of place on that big queen mattress. Adam had bought that mattress before his last camping trip with the boys, the trip I stayed home with baby Carson. We figured a nice new mattress was worth the extra money, we figured we'd have visitors and so we thought this better mattress was worth it, since our old one had a leak. Little did I realize, I would never sleep on it with Adam, and that the matress would actually get a lot of use because of so many visitors--because of Adam's death. We always used to zip together our two matching sleeping bags on our trips. It was weird not to do that last night. Not sure when I'm going to get used to his absence. It hasn't happened yet.

We were not alone on this trip, thankfully. We enjoyed going with friends, and it was a good break-in of sorts to help me figure out what I do and don't need a man for. Ok, that sounds a little ridiculous. But I won't ever get all "girl power" and say that I don't need men in my life because I do. There are simply things that are easier with men around to help, and also for comfort's sake. Like lighting a lantern. It took two men and me to figure out how to put the thing together. Why it is that I felt better to have two men around as we were determining if the thing was going to blow up when it started whistling, I can't really explain. But there are certain things that I have more peace of mind when there's a male present.

The boys had fun, running around with flashlights playing tag, enjoying roasted hot dogs and marshmellows, pancakes and juice for breakfast. There is something great about the outdoors, listening to the crickets and feeling more connected to this great earth that has been created for our use. Love that. And I've determined that I love gadgets. I see why my dad is such a gadget guy--particularly when it comes to camping gear.

I guess I can chalk up camping as another thing "done" on my solohood. It is a sense of accomplishment. I have to focus on what I've done than what I'm missing out by having Adam gone. It is very tough to think about the "wouldas" and while I'd like to steer clear of those, it is still a part of grief that I have to feel too.

Today Adam and I would've been coming back to Omaha. We had plans for this very day. We were going to drive up from Texas to go the Nebraska/Fresno State football game. Adam looked up this game years ago to see if the two would ever play each other. Sure enough, it would've been right after we would've moved down to TX. Adam loved Fresno State and thought this would be fun. Instead I will watch the game on tv tonight . And I can hope our 'Dogs don't get a beating tonight. I don't pretend to understand how everything in the next life works, but I hope that Adam can watch this game. And again...that Fresno State will be able to live to tell that they survived Memorial Stadium. Adam and I always thought FSU fans were crazy....but we found a new set of fans out here that are much crazier. Nothing more funny than watching the town clear out during a football game. It is my favorite time to grocery shop--the game is always piped over the intercoms at stores, and stores are empty. Tonight is one of the few times I will care about a Nebraska game.