Zenos

This weekend was wonderful. I slept in until 7am yesterday and 8am today. I slept through the night without interruption from my children. I learned. I am renewed. I met amazing people and reconnected with old widowed friends. I heard inspired words and was uplifted. I wish I could feel this way all the time.

I could share a lot of things from this weekend, but today I share an interesting connection I made with an older gentleman named Zenos. Zenos was my hotel shuttle driver. Over the past couple days we had some great conversations. I cried as I left this man when he dropped me off at the airport today. We told each other "til we meet again" and I am certain that the next time I see this man we will both be on the other side.

It first should be noted that I am not one of those people that likes to talk to strangers. I get quite introverted and keep to myself. I do not talk to people I sit next to on airplanes, generally speaking. Maybe it is a trust thing. Or maybe it is just a lazy thing. Either way, when I got on the shuttle by myself on Friday, I imagined it would be a very quiet drive to the airport. But Zenos and I got to talking. We talked about my attending a widowed conference, he mentioned remembering driving a bunch to the conference in March, talked about his journey from his homeland of Germany to Utah. Talked about his meeting his wife, talked about why he thought that people from his homeland were less open to learning about God and Jesus Christ, talked about the death of his 34 year old daughter in a car accident 8 years ago, and talked about doctrines of the gospel.

But today we talked about the thing that I have to be reassured about over and over. He talked about my needing to be happy. About me doing what I need to do for myself, regardless of what others think I should be doing. It seems dumb that I have to be reassured of this fact over and over. I mean, DUH, right? But no. I need assurance that others will support me, even approve of what I do. I think most people like a pat on the back in what they do. It probably stems from childhood and needing approval from our parents. I got that. And still do. Yet it is still tough. I want Adam's reassurance. It is tough not to feel it and have to navigate life without his audible approval.

I learned of widow friends' engagements. I contemplated what that would be like if I were in their positions. What would people think? It isn't an issue for me right now, but certainly could be. How would that feel? Would I be supported? Or would others judge. People always judge. I know I am guilty of judging. We all do it subconsciously at times.

Zenos said a few things that I know--intellectually speaking. I told him that I struggle with coming to terms emotionally though. And then he told me a story. His sister had been widowed around my age. Her husband made her promise him before he died that she'd never remarry. She is now in her 80s and until a few months ago, she had never dated. Now, in her 80s, she found a lovely neighbor friend whose company she enjoys. Eighties. He said that he had told her many times that he knew she knew it was ridiculous to make such a promise and that knowing the fuller picture now, he knows that he would be ok with whatever decision she made. He is probably right.

I met a lot of people this weekend that want to remarry. They don't want to be alone and raise their children alone. Tricky stuff.

But I was grateful to this good man, this stranger with the thick German accent, that made me remember that I am supported by a loving Heavenly Father who stands beside me and wants me to be happy. He wants me to fulfill my potential, and I AM still young. I still don't know what lies ahead, but I know that I have to live my life the best I know how and rely on the prompting of the Holy Ghost. I know that as I follow those prompting, I cannot go wrong. That is what I know today.