Compartment Syndrome

Medically, there is something called "compartment syndrome" that is a real diagnosis.  While I won't bore you with the details of what it really is, it was something I actually had to watch Spencer for while he was in his body cast.  But I'm off topic a bit....I have a new definition of "compartment syndrome."  It is my brain really--I have been compartmentalizing everything today.  So, in a nutshell, here are some of the ways I think over the course of the day, different, hmm, compartments of my head:

I need a job, an "easy" job, ha, what's that?  The job of 'mom' isn't "easy" and trying to be a mom, dad, and nurse is definitely not easy.  So scratch easy.  Maybe just something that will coincide well with being a mom, having the least amount of possible time my kids need to be in daycare, and most importantly....healthcare benefits.  That's the really important thing.  I wish there were a magic wand.  Maybe I need to move somewhere where there's...the evil thing known as socialized medicine?  I don't know, but I know the mental anguish that comes from trying to figure out healthcare more than hurts my head, makes me angry that this is what we go through in America.  Healthcare is a right for all.  Doesn't matter what political affiliation people have, we all need someone to care for our health--just like a roof over head and food to eat.

Worried about Spencer's walking.  In my heart I know he'll return to full function, but when I watch him trying to walk and how little he uses his "bad" leg, it scares me.  Wish I could speed up time on his recovery so he could go bounce on the jumping pillow at Vala's (I asked the doc today and he said no.  Duh.  I knew it.  He said no for Justin too, but OH how I hoped.  I WANT TO GO JUMP ON IT!!).  It's a fall tradition after all.  I love the pictures I have from years past of that place with Adam.

Stupid idiot...the defendant.  I hate when he creeps into my pleasant thoughts.  I want to rip out his fingers one by one.  But I won't.  But I'd like to.

So so so sad.  It breaks my heart lying in my bed.  Have been thinking of all my firsts with Adam today--kiss at Woodward park, trips to various places, all the many experiences that 10 1/2 years of marriage brings to a person.  So much.  How do people move on?  How do I not stay in a time warp and pretend that none of this is happening.

Why is it that EVERY dang tv program I can somehow relate to my life right now, and NO, not in a helpful way.  Turned on Private Practice (Adam hated that show) and they started talking about a drunk driver killing off one of the characters.  I'd forgotten that part from last season.  Darn tv shows that I haven't seen a new episode of since spring, they're messing with my head.  Not that there's been much time for tv.  Hulu and I need to have a date.

I've heard comparisons of death to a divorce, in the sense that they're both a loss.  Kinda ticked off by that today--THEY ARE NOT THE SAME.  Even in the cases where one spouse didn't want the divorce and just up and left the other.  Still not even close to the same.  But yes, I'll give you that they're both types of losses.  Doesn't make me feel any better though.  Not a bit.

Mounds of thank you notes.  I wish I could just write faster.  Have had offers of others to help me write them, but that just feels...funny.  I feel like I need to.  They're my thanks.  And I have a lot of them.

I really need to clean my bathroom toilet.  Adam was the last one who cleaned it and I haven't let anyone in my bathroom much.  I guess I need to do that, tomorrow's to-do list maybe?  Ugh.

Fall weather.  Ahh.  I just love it.  I had to take my mom on a drive through Applewood just to show her my favorite tree--it's BRIGHT RED.  Nothing better.  I love actually having real seasons here.  Plus for Omaha.  (I'm trying to block out the winter that will be here all too soon....Oh yeah, I need to buy a snowblower.  That will be very handy.)

So many things on my to-do list, how will I ever do them?  Or will they actually get done?

How do people remarry?  I'm so broken, who marries people like me--crazy predators?  I can't wrap my brain around it.  Yet I understand that I HATE being alone.  And I am very aware that's not a reason to remarry (not that remarrying is on my radar even remotely anyway!!!). I hated being alone when Adam was on call, yet I could always endure--knowing he'd be home eventually to rescue me from all the crazy.  I still can't fathom the idea that people remarry, and I HATE HATE HATE questions people ask relating to my remarrying someday.  I mean, REALLY?  REALLY??!!  It's only been 8 weeks!!!!  People are stupid.  I've learned that over and over through this.  Not intentionally stupid mind you, just very naieve.  Well meaning...but yes, STUPID.

Will I ever sleep again?  It doesn't help that Carson isn't sleeping now.  I found myself getting up to get him when he was crying at (what I thought) was 5am last "night."  I got up to get him apparently.  I woke up to my clock saying 1:30am, I was holding him in my bed (I must've snuggled him back to sleep) and realized that it definitely wasn't 5am when I got him out of his bed.  He's got massive teeth coming in, poor kiddo.  Hopefully that's the only reason he's not been sleeping for a couple weeks.  And even more hopefully, he'll start to sleep like the good baby he's always been AGAIN.  I find it amusing the different doctors (it IS interesting to know people I suppose...) who've said that they'll write me a script for ambien or some such sleeping med.  Yeah, that makes sense--give me a drug so I can't get up and care for my insomniac children.  If only sleep were that simple to help me sleep.  And I need to invent a drug to stop nightmares.  Or just weird dreams in general.  They need to stop for me.  Well, AND the boys (particularly Spencer).

Justin is afraid to tell me certain things about the accident.  I learned this information yesterday when I asked him what he said to Adam right after the accident, before he got out of the car, while Spencer was crying uncontrollably and also still in the car.  He told me that he doesn't want to tell me what he said to Adam.  I don't know why he said this to me; but like a lot in this, I think he's trying to protect me.  The other night we had a bad evening (evenings are always really hard at our house)  and he came to me crying (he doesn't cry much...he's like me in that regard, but really he's more like Adam about how he bottles things up) and said that, "Today has been a really hard day."  I'm grateful that he finally came to me and wanted me to hug him and snuggle him.  He's so strong, a little too strong.  My poor babies.  Stupid man that caused all this junk in my life.  Out out of my head curse words.

I can't wait to get the boys involved in Ted E. Bear Hollow.  I've heard such good things.  But like everything else on my to-do list...all in good time.

Maybe a walk around Lake Zorinsky would do me good.  Adam and I always liked walking that lake.  Another to-do list item.  Hmm.