Everywhere

He is everywhere.  Truly.  And sometimes that feels so good.  Other times it's really frustrating.  Not that I want him to "go away," but more just for my sanity, sometimes I need a break from all the memories.  As I went to use my "Kohl's cash" tonight because it expires tomorrow, I couldn't even wander the store without realizing, "hmm, that's where Adam and I debated about what ties to pick out or which Dockers pants looked better on him" since he could NEVER pick out clothes without me.  He always wanted my stamp of approval, which always made me laugh--I always told him "they're just clothes, I'm sure you'll do fine."  And it's interesting that it's those little things that bug me some points during the day--the constant reminders.

I had a little discussion with Spencer when he got up from his nap yesterday.  He told me that, "Daddy is going to get better from his accident and then we can go camping."  The logic is quite sensible, really--I've always known that I have smart kids, but I'm realizing it now on a different level.  Spencer knows that he is healing and that as he heals, shouldn't Daddy be healing too?  It's just sick that I have to say "no."  He told me that "Daddy will be able to get out of his bed in the box when he gets better and come back from being with Heavenly Father."  And then I have to try to break the news again, that a 3 year old just doesn't understand.  Over and over again I do this--my proverbial Groundhog Day.  My poor babies.  My poor little boys that need their daddy and they just can't have him.  None of us can.  It breaks my heart over and over.  If I could just be in his arms one more time, to have him tell me it's all going to be ok.  And that it WOULD actually be ok.

And then Spencer keeps bringing up "the bad man."  I'm trying to be really careful about how we discuss "the bad man"--I'd really rather the kids see him as a man that did a VERY bad thing, I don't really want them to think of ANYONE as personally bad, I think that's a bad message for anyone to think really.  Because I don't think that anyone is innately bad.  But I don't know quite how to keep my emotions clear and speak completely rational about 'him.'  I do the best that I can, but I feel like such a liar when I tell the boys things, when I don't tell them what I'd REALLY like for the guy...even though nothing short of Christ's second coming and the resurrection happening will do what I would really like, to truly make restitution.  And that's what I'm struggling with--the long term thoughts of it all.  Sure, I'm busy with all the day to day living stuff right now, but when I stop and think about the long term impact of it all, it just tears me up.  It's one thing if Adam was, oh 75ish and we were 'nearing' the end of our lives.  But I'm not even half through!  In theory anyway--I'm sure Adam didn't think he was "half through" at the age of 16.  What an awful thought, a terrible one really!  But it shows once again that we just "never know" what is going to happen.  I think I'll go write down a short will tonight, just the basics.  Just in case.  One never knows....

And by the way, I learned that what all of us can do if we don't have a will professionally done by an attorney is a couple important things:
1. Put it in writing--your own writing (NOT typed in the computer or it can't be proven that it's in your writing and really is your wishes), signed and dated by you.
2. List who you want to care for you kids, in order--in case your first person(s) can't/won't care for them.
3.  List that you want your entire estate to go to your spouse...or whomever.

Those are the basics I learned.  FYI.  And knowing is half the battle--the other half is in the "doing."