It's tough

to be a mom.  But, it's really tough to be a single mom.  There are so many times during the day, and particularly the evening, when I know what I 'would've' done in a situation--wail "Addaammm.  Please take this kid!" And he would.  And it would make everything better for all of us.  It's really tough to be a mom AND dad, and again (sorry, this IS a repetitive statement that I say continuously) it REALLY isn't fair to be both.  In our church, focus is always on family--being worthy to be married in the temple, keeping our lives in a certain order so that we can be worthy at all times really.  And the focus is on the ideal, marriage between a man and woman who have children.  I think it's heartbreaking that the ideal isn't always possible, that divorce happens, women don't find a suitable man to marry, men have this problem too at times, and the like.  BUT it's really frustrating when Adam and I had worked so hard at our marriage, to make things work even when they were difficult, to have what we worked SO hard to develop be taken away by an idiot making a stupid choice.  Justin said to me today,"Not many people have their dad die on the first day of school."  And sadly, yes, he's right.  I'd venture to say that he is one of a handful of people that can say such a thing.

One of the parts of my grieving today has been on money.  Now, it may sound to some as a terrible thing to grieve about, and might even think "How could you think such a horrible thought?!"  And yet, it is a real part of my grief.  Adam and I had BOTH worked so hard so that we could have a comfortable life.  A very comfortable life.  It would be unwise or sound particularly terrible of me if I actually listed the dollars and cents of this because, well...radiology is kind of one of those "big" secrets....radiologists (in private practice) make one of the highest salaries of any doctor.  And while some politicians believe that the rich only get richer and that the richest should be taxed higher than anyone because they "have more"--I'm here to tell you that that line of thinking is a complete load of crap.  It is.  I have watched my husband and supported him through some of the most difficult years of his life for him to reap the rewards of his education--in theory, he was to reap them anyway.  He didn't sit on his fanny during any of this LONG process (he did 5 years of undergrad, 4 years of med school, and was in his last of 5 years of residency.  That adds up to 14 years POST high school).  He got up at 2 or 3 am some days to study like a maniac; he studied on weekends and holidays.  He faithfully attended classes, shelled out a gazillion dollars because he 'thought' it would be worth it in the end, that he'd help people with his wealth of knowledge and that his family could eventually live a comfortable lifestyle for our hard work helping him achieve his goals.  And it was thrown away in an instant by someone else.  That is crap.  It angers me.  And while I will instead be the "poor" one instead of the monetarily "rich" one, I won't ever poo-poo the so-called rich doctors for all their money that they've earned, because, even as terrible as our healthcare system can be (and I've now REALLY seen how the system works, by the way), those doctors earn every darn penny they get.  And it just makes me sad that Adam won't get every darn penny he deserves--and his little boys, and yes, me too.  It's terrible.  And...maybe a bit unbecoming of me to discuss.  But I didn't calculate and list out the millions he would've made (as I have in my mind)....and just know that they were many, many.  Oh, as mad as I am....I know Adam is fuming somewhere else.  I only wish he could send down a few lightning bolts to a certain someone...a preview, if you will, for what is to come to him someday.  Yep.  Today is "ANGER" in the so-called steps of grief for me.