Faced "them"

Today I decided (after consultation with my attorney) to do an interview with one of the female anchors of the CBS channel here.  (As an odd sidelight, when I googled their channel, apparently Tom Brokaw used to work there in his early years of broadcasting as a reporter--I'd forgotten that he was from Omaha.).  Anyway, a couple main reasons why I chose to do this interview.  First.  She didn't pester me.  She decided to ask some friends of mine to ask me...which I feel bad she "pestered" them, but that was at least somewhat respectful of me (I've had some not-so respectful encounters with other reporters....which is why I don't intend on doing interviews for one particular news channel.).  Second.  She mentioned that she didn't really care about "the case" going on, that this was strictly to be about the impact of drunk driving--the parts that don't get the focus in these stories.  THAT got me.  Hook, line, and sinker.  She didn't bug me too much about wanting to get the kids on camera, or even that I didn't give her a picture of my boys (she mentioned that she has no picture of Carson).  I had sent the kids out of the house with my dad, so it was perfect, I didn't want them around for this.  Perfect timing, really, to have my dad around to take them.  As for the interview itself, I was shocked (and now I'm a tad worried) that I was able to talk to her the way I did.  Maybe it was her personable demeanor.  Or maybe I just needed to say what was said?  Either way, we'll see what makes the cutting room floor.  I put her to tears multiple times.  But since I REALLY don't like people watching me cry, I somehow held it together, as I've had to many times through this.  Not sure how, but I did.  I'm sure people will think I'm strange for that, or that somehow to be "really grieving" that I have to be a blubbering mess, but that's just not me.  Or at least a majority of the time it isn't.  Many HAVE seen me a blubbering mess lately.  Like Thursday night at the temple.  I was grateful that Lisa happened to be there to give me a hug and keep me from starting in on a wailing, ugly cry that could've been bad.  I was fairly ugly.  But back to the interview.  I really debated whether to do it.  I mean, I'm very protective of my kids and myself right now, not trusting many people, and just in a difficult vulnerable place.  But I felt that I shared what needed sharing.  I'm praying that I won't have a bunch of other reports on my doorstep in a week, but I have a feeling that it might happen.  Or it might not?  The last court date, the reporters left me alone but were swarming the courtroom.  I feel very conflicted about it all.  I suppose as much as I dislike the media, a part of me wants to redirect the focus on Adam and not on the defendant because well, HE doesn't deserve anyone's time or energy.  But I know how it'll be.  And I know that since I'll be at this hearing, they'll get a picture of me in regards to HIM.  UGH.  It's all so disturbing.  Once upon a time, in my head, I was going to be this old woman that was in the media for doing good--for raising lots of money for a good cause (cancer research, etc.) and my 15 minutes of "fame" were going to be for some good thing.  I never wanted any of THIS, and neither did Adam.  That's what frustrates me most.

My dad got SO much done on this trip visiting us.  Got me a snowblower, organized my entire basement and garage with tons of room for storage.  Fixed a million things.  My giant to-do list (in terms of household troubles) is down to a very few items which feels great.  I'm very happy.  Gregg came and helped seal up some things on my roof (he checked out a leak that we discovered), and then explained the workings of my humidifier.  I'm so grateful for his help and my dad's.  I'm glad we were at least able to do a few "fun" things with my dad while he's been here--the zoo and Vala's, took him to PepperJax (which I'm so sad that I just discovered that place, I know Adam would've loved that place).  Anyway, I can breathe a bit easier for sure.  Change is hard and it would've been easy to just stay in my little hole and not get the many things done that needed to be, but it is a good feeling to have gotten this stuff done.  Yay for my dad and for all those providing service to my family.  I'm so thankful.

As for a + and a -- for today....Carson got his top left front tooth in today (he has two more about to pop through too, I expect them within a week).  The negative thing about this is that I'm still nursing him.  Enough said there.  He laughs at me when I tell him "no biting."  Awesome.  Hopefully you can hear my sarcasm.  But (and this MIGHT be wishful thinking) I'm counting this tooth as a positive because I'm hoping that it'll be an end to his horrible sleep pattern that he's developed....Mamma needs some REAL rest and 3-4am is not pleasant.  Now if we can also convince Spencer to sleep and help his little mind to stop with the nightmares we'll be in good shape.  It breaks my heart hearing his frantic panicky panting when he comes in my room in the middle of the night and pops into my bed.  And then there's the constant moaning he does in his sleep.  Ugh.  It hurts my heart that I can't fix this for my boys.  For all of us.

Tomorrow is another day.