A Different Loss.

Today I'm mourning a different kind of loss.

I learned early on in my nursing career the importance of not jinxing myself.  It's funny how some lessons we learn, and yet even if we know them intellectually, we still find ourselves completing the same mistake over and over.  While not generally a superstitious person, I have jinxed and re-jinxed myself over and over again it seems.

When at work, it is the unwritten rule not to mention phrases such as "I'm really worried that guy is going to code" or "I have a feeling this may be a bad night (or day)" or "I really hope I don't get an admit."  Inevitably, all these things occur when such phrases are muttered.  It. Just. Happens.  So whenever we say such things to each other, we shake our heads and tisk-tisk each other because it's always a mistake.  Always.

When Adam and I got married, "Grandma Francis" gave us a beautifully crocheted blanket for our wedding.  A baby blanket.  A beautiful purple girly baby blanket.  I was sure this was a sign that we'd have a girl at some point.  It just had to happen!  We had a girl baby blanket afterall.  So Justin came.  We had our baby girl name picked out.  Rachel was going to be her name.  And years later I was pregnant with Spencer.  I actually bought pink fabric to make a baby quilt this time.  And THEN had an ultrasound.  Nope, he was definitely a boy.  No Rachel.  And then I was pregnant with Carson.  For sure, he HAD to be a girl.  It was a matter of odds at this point, and he had to be a girl.  I started crocheting the blanket in this picture.  Greens, browns, and pinks.  And I jinxed myself again.  No Rachel.

But we were ok with it.  Really.  While Adam said he liked having all boys, he told me that he really wanted to have a girl because he knew I really wanted to have a girl.  We agreed (and early on in our marriage) that we wouldn't follow his parents' footsteps--he did NOT want a 'big' family, but specifically he didn't want 6 kids.  I always found this sort of amusing.  I told him I wanted 3 or 4.  But I like even numbers so I figured 4 made much more sense.  I was already plotting to convince him that eventually baby #4 would HAVE to be our Rachel.  We had agreed for so long on her name and somehow she'd just have to appear.

No Rachel.  And now no Adam.  No Rachel from Adam.  Instead I'm left with her blanket that is half finished.  I found it the other day in the basement and started working on it.  I decided that it needs to be finished, just so it can be "done."  People ask who I'm making it for.  And I can honestly say that I don't know, now.  So Rachel's blanket may just be a decorative piece for my home.  But I'll always know who it was meant for.