Not to be a Downer BUT

This has been a really bad week.  Or so (maybe longer?).  I think having sick kids really puts anyone in a funk.  But especially me, and here is my theory:

While moms (this IS a generalization, I realize) are usually the ones who bear the brunt of taking care of sick kids, I realized today that it's not necessarily ALL about having the extra set of hands to help with sick kids (well, it IS when they're sick throwing up and mom is sick too.  I have a really funny image in my head of when I was sick and couldn't get out of bed and Justin was sick and stood at the edge of our stairs and vomitting down the stairs.  To Adam.  Adam talked about his cleaning up bounced vomit for quite some time.  Sorry...I know that's gross.).  BUT.  I'm finding that the MAIN thing I miss is that bonded feeling, the companionship of Adam.  The feeling like, "This really stinks but we're in this together, we can figure it out together, it's all about teamwork and I chose you to be my teammate."  I really miss that.  I miss our peptalks to each other.  I miss being able to collectively sigh together and while there isn't always some way to fix sick kids easily, just knowing that Adam was here to watch my back was a relief, a comfort--a comfort I didn't even realize was a comfort...until now.

I've prepared myself for so many things in all this.  It's really as though I've tried to shield myself, do self-talk and prepare for all the ugly that lies ahead.  And yet it doesn't matter--all that self-talk goes down the toilet when stupid stuff happens, or when reality sets in.

I get disappointed in myself, like really, shouldn't I be able to bridle my tongue and just keep my anger from leaking out to other's ears?  I mean, how hard is that?  I'm finding--VERY tough.  Or I guess I get mad at myself for feeling like I need to explain my actions, my emotions, my just whatever, as though I need to make sure I'm being "forgiven" for my behavior or something from others.  It's a tough thing, wanting to be a people pleaser yet wanting to tell everyone to take a hike.  Very conflicting.  It's such a mix of emotions that I can't verbalize (or write).

And always in the back of my head is my worry that I'll burn bridges, friendships, etc.  Those are very real things about life.  It's times like that that I realize I don't get a hall pass for everything.  Even if some times maybe I'm justified.  Justification only goes so far I realize.  I sort of hate that.

And yet sometimes I just don't care.  About anything, anyone.

But most of the time I do.

So.  I don't really know if I'm making any sense at this point.  It all makes sense (the non-sense of it) in my mind, so I guess that's what matters?

Bottom line is that I'm a mixed up mess!!!  While I seemingly make certain major progresses in processing my grief, I find myself taking a hundred steps back somedays.  It's a hard thing to balance emotional, spiritual, physical, and mental stability.  Very taxing.  I'm tired (Nope.  I haven't ever mentioned THAT one.  Brand new information.).  In all of those areas.

And I'm getting sore.  Physically very sore.  I went to Body Pump for the first time since Adam died.  I even told the teacher after class that I had taken Adam to her class one time because he knew I liked it and I told him he'd like it.  He did like it.  But I told her how he got all "attitude" when we went and was like "Well, if that GIRL instructor can lift all that weight, surely I can too, I work out, I lift weights."  And then he couldn't walk for a week after that class.  A. WEEK.  It was hilarious.  It made me laugh.  She thought it was funny too.  Body Pump is more about endurance than bench pressing a few sets at a high poundage level--it's about repetition.  So fun.

But yes, I'm sore.  I've learned today that I have too many stairs in my house.  Ouch.

Here's to a better week....