Face to Face

I'll start with the good of heart day yesterday.  It's generally a day I've always loved.  Adam ALWAYS bought me flowers, generally red roses and white carnations--my favorite.  It was always a nice day, or ended nice when we could have some quiet time with the kids settled down to sleep.  I miss quiet time.  A lot.

I'm starting to learn what "true" friendship means.  I was given warning that friends will "forget" or more than anything, just think that I'm "better" or that I'm moving on.  The death of a spouse is not something that can just be "gotten over" or the ability to "move on" is not easy--for some it never happens.  I think about old lady Rose dropping the necklace in the ocean at the end of the the movie Titanic, how she says that a woman's heart is full of secrets, that certain things don't just "go away."  Yes, I am very much permanently scarred.  Adam's love for me scarred my heart and it will be an interesting thing to "move on" during this life without him.

I was floored by the sweetness (pun intended) of others last night, goodies, flowers, and emails/notes sent.  I'm very grateful, for it was a tough day on many levels.

In the morning, I learned what "real" court is all about.  It isn't funny or cute or movie-like.  It's stinky, smelly and not an enjoyable place.  All future law students should have to go to a court room at least once before starting law school to "get a taste" of what it's really all about.  There is no goofy-funny judge like on Ally McBeal, no amusing lawyers.  Everything is short, to the point, and every scheduled hearing is about 30 seconds.  Scheduled for 10:45 yesterday, we heard countless different cases, saw quite a few inmates in handcuffs, as well as realizing that those wandering outside the various courtrooms were also "criminals" out on bail.  They are all around us--in the grocery store, on the road, and we don't even know it.  That was shocker number one.

The other two main shockers for the day were terrible lessons.  Lessons that I would venture the general public never "needs to" learn, and they are very ugly lessons.  I will put a mental scratch through many of my previous blogs based on what I learned about people and society at large.  Very painful, awful lessons that I wish no one had to learn...I wish I didn't have to learn them.  They will forever taint my view on others.  And I'm NOT being overly melodramatic.  I'm very serious.

I learned that while I'd like to believe that people are generally rooted in good, I discovered that some people are NOT.  AT ALL.  Some people ARE BAD PEOPLE.  That shakes me to the core.  I haven't decided if I should stop correcting my children and saying "No, he's the man that did a really bad thing" instead of calling him what J & S termed on their own "THE BAD MAN."  Yes, he IS EXACTLY THAT.  While never speaking a word to the man, I watched, very disturbingly into his eyes as he stared at me.  At first, I wondered if he knew who I was.  I had never been to a court proceeding before, and the only way this man could've known who I was was if he had seen my picture or seen me in the news.  So I wasn't sure if he'd notice me among the others in the courtroom.  I went with a friend and a county employee and sat between them while the defendant sat, in a row, next to his fellow inmates, across the room.  One by one as their turn came due, they stood before the judge.  I guess I expected some show of remorse, some indication that he felt sorry, or that he was uncomfortable.  I expected him to look down at his hands.  SOMETHING.  But instead, he sat there and from across the room, stared me right in the eyes.  I made no facial expression, refrained from any eyebrow raising, any hand gestures, any tears.  Just a hard stare.  And he met my stare right back with no show of an ounce of emotion.  It was chilling.  Disturbing.  Heartbreaking.  This man didn't care what he did.  How dare he.

The other discovery or lesson learned (the thought didn't completely cross my mind in this manner before, and yes, it took this long for me to "really" get this) was the fact that a certain attorney is making money off the death of MY husband.  Mine.  The media game, all of it, is only and simply to "get gain" for his career.  I mean, I think he'd admit it too.  It's interesting to me.  But beyond frustrating.

I have never before felt the emotions rush through my body like they did yesterday.  I have never felt anger or hatred so strongly in my life and I wish I could say that I'll never feel those feelings again.  I've had VERY STRONG anger with other things in my life.  But this was a whole different kind of anger, a whole other level that cannot be verbalized.

I determined something though.  Listening to the job that the judge had of determining the fate of so many people, I realized what a joke our legal system is.  Not funny haha, but goofy-ridiculous.  There IS NO JUSTICE in this life.  I knew this before, but I understand it now on a different level.  Punishment measured in time or years must seem like such a joke to our Father in Heaven.  Because (while I've known it all along) I really understand now how His justice supercedes any attempt at justice on earth, the justice imposed by men.  There cannot be recompense made for most crimes, and the only thing I can be grateful for is the knowledge that He will figure out due justice for all, for all sins, for all crimes, for all wrongdoing.  I am eternally grateful for a Savior, even Jesus Christ, who died for me, who gives me a second chance and an opportunity to repent, because I'm certainly not perfect.  By any means.  I'm grateful that we have a loving Heavenly Father who is in charge and will forgive whom He will forgive.  I'm grateful that this life is made up of opportunities for us to be tested and tried--that we get to try our best, but that we get a chance for nearly all the things we do wrong to repent (Did you hear that though?  I said nearly all things.).

I just wish that it weren't as simple as "there really ARE bad people" who roam the earth.  I wish I could whisk up my children and escape to an island to keep them from all the bad that is out there.  What a job to be a mom, what a tremendous responsibility we have!  What a job it will be to teach my children, and as they get older, to help them realize the need to simply follow the Savior.  That in THAT truth, they cannot go wrong.  I have a long road ahead.