Doctor

What a range of emotions today brought! I don't know what woman actually 'enjoys' visiting her OBGYN, other than maybe when she is pregnant, I suppose. But I had an appointment scheduled with my doc today. I love this doctor, she is fabulous, and she's a doctor Adam suggested for me after he watched her in action as a med student and worked with her. But still, having not seen a doctor for me in over a year, and also worried about how I would feel since all her staff knew of Adam, and knows who I am. I was welcomed by all the staff and they were all very sweet. I did know that I would face the series of 1000 questions that I always have to field, and determine how much information to share. That is tricky.

I wanted to write down a few thoughts though so I don't forget. When my doctor sat down and just chatted with me for a bit, she she wanted me to know of a flashback she had a couple days before I had called in to schedule my appointment. She said that she had had a flashback to Adam's memorial service (she came to that and not the funeral, if I remember right) and she said how much she loved singing and, in particular, the songs that were chosen. I remember when she asked who chose the music and I told her I did, how floored she was. That makes me smile now, remembering that I chose "Put Your Shoulder to the Wheel" as the closing hymn. I remember carefully going through the hymn book when planning his funeral and feeling like that was the song that Adam's coworkers needed somehow during his Creighton memorial service. It made sense as I read through all the words to that hymn. So I loved our conversation about Adam's memorial service today.

I also found our conversation interesting, or at least some of her specific questions. She wanted to know if I felt Adam near--a question she had asked me at my visit a year ago. I explained the only thing that makes "sense" to explain, that he is still in my very vivid dreams, which is generally comforting...except when I feel like I need to move forward than living in the shadow of our past.

She asked if I was ready to date, and was glad when I said yes. She said, "This is good. It shows the progress and healing you have found." This was a comforting statement to hear today.

I will admit how difficult it was to sit in this office, with the many many hours I have spent there over the course of two of my pregnancies. Difficult to watch the happy pregnant women walk through the doors and know that that isn't going to be me again. Even more difficult to watch as the doors opened and shut and having flashbacks of when Adam would come and go to office visits with me, ultrasounds, etc. I remember him showing up in his green scrubs having come from work. It amazes me how much the image of those green scrubs still just hurts my heart. I miss our medical discussions, our medical life, the comfort it brought me, the comfort it brought our relationship. I'm not sure if I will ever 'get over' that. Gosh. Thinking about him walking through those doors. It just takes my breath away.

So it was good, all in all. Just a weird mix of memories and emotions. The grief that comes still comes in waves. I will always have swings I'm sure, but I think I'm learning to deal with them better. At least, I think so. I hope so.