Praying for Strength

Well, since my children haven't yet learned my 6:30 am rule for awakening and have loved that the sun wakes up at 5:30 am right now....I might as well do something with my thoughts before I embark on a new day.

Yesterday I was teaching primary. The topic for sharing time was (I'm paraphrasing here) "Heavenly Father helps me choose the right when I pray for strength." I really thought about this for the couple of days before my lesson. I mean, I pray for strength all of the time, but is it so that I can have strength to make wise choices and do the right thing?...or is it just that I want strength so that things will go "right?" I have decided it is probably the latter.

Last night I was analyzing my day (as I always do). Yesterday was "Fast Sunday." In our church, once a month we go without food and drink for two consecutive meals and fast. Besides the health benefits, (and that we give "fast offerings" to our church--the cost of two meals, or more if we choose--as a means to provide for the poor within our congregational boundaries), fasting is an opportunity to commune with the Lord. When combined with prayer (as it is intended) is a blessing and a very spiritual experience. We are asked to fast with a purpose in mind--something that we want to ponder on, something with which we feel we need guidance. I decided to fast for strength to tackle all that I have on my plate and to gain clarity. I have fasted for this before. Many times, actually. But after studying this topic for my lesson, I realized my focus about the topic of strength has been skewed a bit.

I have been staying up too late lately. I feel my eyes get tired at 8pm and know that I should be sleeping much earlier than the midnight or so that I've been going to sleep. I think it has been more and more difficult to actually get in my bed--it really is mental. I just go through these waves of intense longing for Adam. And I'm tired of hurting that he's gone. It's ridiculous. It gets me no where. And I'm a person of action with most things. Ugh.

My point in explaining that is that I was up too late again last night. I was piecing some fabric together for a sewing project and I got sucked into watching one of my favorite movies, "Sabrina." At around midnight I made myself go to sleep. It's never that I'm not tired enough. In truth I fall right to sleep when I get in my bed. But it is the act of getting into an empty bed that has become so tedious...so hurtful.

As I got ready for bed, I pondered on my fast. Did I feel like I received answers that I sought? What do I think about things? I concluded that I just get overwhelmed by everything...and quickly. So I give up on ALL of it, which isn't good. I really DO need to process my grief and ALL of it.

I started thinking about how I feel like I need to 'fix' all parts of me, the spiritual, physical, emotional, mental parts of me that are broken. And I think that it is tough because I can't really just fix one of this areas thoroughly and then move on to the next area. I have to work on all a little at a time...which overwhelms me.

I tried to mentally start listing out what I'm doing in each of these areas and again just had to stop. The words to a scripture came to my mind, very distinctly. I had to google the phrase because I couldn't place at that moment where it was. "Not requisite" was the only part that held in my mind. So I looked it up.

Mosiah 4:27 states:

27 And see that all these things are done in wisdom and order; for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength. And again, it is expedient that he should be diligent, that thereby he might win the prize; therefore, all things must be done in order.


This was just what I needed to read--and hear. I am coming to understand that I am not going to feel "fixed" or anything for a very long time, maybe EVER. Grief will be a lifelong process. Never a checkbox to be able to say 'DONE' or that I can say I've conquered or accomplished. I'm sure people don't understand why I still struggle and 'they' probably make judgements about how I still pine for my dead husband. But the reality is that I am changed because of him. And I have changed because he died. I will always long to a degree for the many things that I can't have, that WE can't have.

But, I can't do everything and BE everything for everyone. I have to feel what I feel and be ok with it. I have to be diligent, but not "run faster than I have strength." And maybe for me, the important part is not getting down on myself about not running faster than I have strength. I can't get mad that the pounds aren't falling off as I assumed they would with my exercise routine. Or that I would be able to finish my many projects that I want to do this summer. Or that my house would be cleaner because *surely* my children would be able to adhere to their very easy chores that I assigned them for the summer. So silly. I just try to tackle too many things at once.

I think I see too many people that have (what appears to be) such idyllic lives that I forget that I measure my worst with others best. I also forget that my life isn't what others have. I have three children to care for by myself. It is amazing how much work each added child is to the mix. And it is also amazing how much work younger children are. Life is busy. I can't get mad at myself for trying to do more than I have strength, I just need to recognize that what I WANT TO DO is NOT what I NEED TO DO. I also need to focus on having strength simply to choose the right, do the right, and be the right.


"All things must be done in order."