I was hoping that sleeping it off, I would feel better. Instead I had a weird dream about the day of Adam's death. A nonsensical dream, it was very vivid with the people in my dream, but it was set somewhere totally different and didn't make any sense whatsoever. I don't get it.
Still, the dumbest stuff sets me off. At pack meeting for cub scouts, Justin was called up to get some awards that have been due him for quite some time. With one of the new den leaders being new and with pretty much all of the awards given before Justin's as rank awards, she probably assumed that parents come up to the front with their scouts with every award, which they don't normally do. So she went to have Justin come up. Then she said (she doesn't know us), "Does Justin have any parents?" I sat there, frozen, stone faced. I wanted to yell "NO. He doesn't have parentS. He has a mother." Of course I didn't. I very reluctantly went up, knowing Justin didn't need me up there to receive his arrow points and belt loops. I couldn't smile, I could frown. I was completely numb. It bugs me that stuff like this gets to me.
I read a quote the other day that I found interesting. Of course, all situations are a tad more complex than this, but the point of the quote was sort of empowering--it talked about the fact that each of us has the power to do whatever it is we want to do. That if we don't like our lives, then we get to make our lives something that we like. I think it was a good reminder for me not to whine. If I wanted to go back to school, I could, if I wanted to escape from my children, yes I 'could' go to work full time (that realization was a bit sad, I must say). The bottom line is, life is what we make it. I choose my own happiness. I--and only I--have to make life happen.
Today, I'm going to make life happen instead of wallowing. I want to be able to go to sleep at night and not feel regret for the unacccomplished tasks or dissatisfaction with my life. Off to the gym, off to continue organizing, and off to work on making my bedroom my safe haven. It is time for Adam to go.
2 comments:
The pack meeting reminded me of a time when I was about 10 years old in Primary in the Sierra ward. It was Father's Day - a day that was sometimes confusing because my dad was someone I wouldn't have recognized if he was staring me in the face... But a new primary song leader called me out of the audience and said "Tell us about YOUR dad!" I froze. "Don't be shy, tell us about your dad!" And I replied humiliated, "I don't really have a dad." And she laughed, "You don't have a dad??? Everyone has a dad sweetie!" And someone had to stop her. I sat there fighting the tears and well, kind of hating her. Not her fault but still hard, and I never forgot it. Two different stories, maybe a similar frustration. Thanks for sharing all of your stories on here. I love your blog and the little insights into your world. Hope you're doing well! (Chelsea Phillips Sybrowsky :)
so true. your experience at the scout meeting reminds me again that we never know what is weighing on someone's heart when we see them. also, i have been having similar thoughts lately on choosing my own happiness. right on. tomorrow will be a better day- or maybe the next day :)
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