It's disturbing to wake up every morning and not see my husband in bed next to me. Every morning it's a reminder that this whole thing really IS real. And I'm in disbelief every morning. Every. Morning. I think, it's the realization that I'm the one that has to get Carson out of his crib, even if I hear his cries and somehow (still groggy) think that maybe Adam will do it.
It's the thought that it will have to be me to clean up middle of the night kid throw up in the future with no help. Or if I'm deathly ill with a fever or the flu, that it won't really matter--it'll be me to do all of those things that I never wanted to do alone, never planned to do alone.
It's the realization that Adam and I won't be able to go on another cruise together as we'd planned. I won't be able to give him a kiss, hold his hand, give him a funny look at church when we're having our own inside jokes that only he knows the funny look on my face and what it means.
I won't get to hear one last time "You played the organ well" "Dinner was great, thanks." "Let's get a babysitter and go out this weekend" or even the comment that we both said to each other the night before he died: "I can't do this without you, don't ever die." I said the same thing to him as we were listening to Spencer throw another only-Spencer-can-throw tantrum fit. We laughed about it. I don't laugh now.
And it's going to be really hard.
Spencer was up again last night, screaming in pain/itching. My mom and I spent a half hour tilting his casted body side to side, helping try to relieve his ailments. It's a terrible thing. But the realization that I will be by myself to do all these tasks when she goes is what weighs on me today.
There's a reason that marriage is between a man and a woman, there's a reason that we were meant to be married. It's the Lord's design. And I'm so frustrated that a man made a choice and took away what is rightfully mine.
And it's not fair. I know life isn't fair, I've always known that. But this REALLY isn't fair.
6 comments:
Melissa, I don't know if you remember me, but I remember you and Adam. I know you really don't need anything said to you, but I wanted you to know that I am cheering for you. You can do this! My maiden name Stacy Pehrson.
you can do this Melissa, however, I agree it is COMPLETELY unfair that you have to!
Oh Melissa, I am so sorry. When I think about you, those are the details I think about . . . the precious "little things" that are forever changed. I feel your pain with every word that you write. It really is unfair, isn't it? Thank you for expressing your feelings, I have always loved your refreshing honesty. Truly, you are an amazing woman, and you are surviving one day at a time, from one moment to the next. Thinking, praying, and cheering for you. . . every day. Loves!
Love you. Thinking of you. Praying for you and your family. You are one special lady dearly loved by so many people. How you must hurt... Hope to see you in a couple of weeks so we at least get the chance to hug you. Love Aunt Leean
IT is unfair. Life is unfair, and you are right that you should not have to do this alone, but you will. You are an amazing woman that is being tested in a very "unfair" and difficult way. I cannot imagine the stress and the struggle, but I know you, and I know you will get through and will handle all these terribly hard things. And though you will not have your Adam at home with you, know you are not all alone, even when your mom has to go. you have friends who will be there for you as much as you need. The Lord will provide! I have already seen your strength and like Stacy said, I am cheering for you!
Melissa. You CAN do this. You are an incredible woman and you aren't alone. Heavenly Father knows what you need and will help you and I am sure without a shadow of doubt that Adam will be there along with you- just from the other side of the veil. He'll be your cheerleader and he'll be dropping in on you and I am sure you'll find him each time you go to the temple. This will be the absolute hardest thing you will ever have to do but you will have the strength to do it. We all love you so much and there isn't a day that I don't think about you.
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